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Semester One

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AlyssaLane

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It's been a long time and a lot of things have changed. I wish that I could say that everything was okay and normal, but in all honesty, my first semester in college was not at all what I had expected. I was expecting this new chapter in life where I would be more happy and that everything would finally be okay. Of course, however, that was not the case at all. I had a very lonely, isolated, shitty time in pretty much every aspect of college. 

I don't really have very many friends anymore. The thing about college is that all of your old friends can start to ignore you on weekdays just like they used to on the weekends, which gets painful and obnoxious really quickly. I already have depression as it is, and I always feel even shittier when I don't have people in my life who actually want me around. Classes were painfully boring and bland. Nothing I was doing in any of classes were really interesting of even educational. I wasn't expecting some kind of crazy mind blowing education or anything of that sort, but I didn't expect to get more of an education from helping my brother cheat on his homework than I did from actual classes. My girlfriend and I broke up, and she managed to get a new girlfriend within less than a week of us breaking up. Which made me feel like the worst human being on the planet. I feel awful. 

At the end of the semester, all I can help is feel hopeless and lifeless. I'm even more depressed than I used to be. I'm more isolated. More lonely. This isn't what I anticipated at all. I thought life was supposed to start changing for me and that everything was supposed to start to get better. However, it's apparent now, that I was wrong. But there's always this break I have from school for things to improve. And there's the next semester, and the 3 years that follow after that for things to get better. 

The possibilities are endless, and although the chances of me being happy anytime soon don't necessarily look great, I'm still hopeful. You never know what the future may hold and although my first major leap towards a happier life was ultimately a failure, that doesn't mean that I can't try and do it again. I just really wished everything had worked out the first time like it was supposed to. Everyone told me everything was going to change. I was so convinced that happiness was right around the corner and that everything was about to change. I made actual changes to try and make it happen, too. And it didn't. I don't really know exactly what I'm doing wrong. But I guess I have the rest of my shitty life to figure it out.

The truth is, I'm not sure how to be truly happy. I don't know how to break out of my self destructive habits. I don't know how to ask for help with things. For weeks, I've been planning in my head how I was going to reach out to a good friend of mine. And, naturally, I have yet to do that. I can't to do it. I don't know how. Most of my life I chose to repress all the emotions I felt rather than expressing things like a normal human being. And I tried my best to try and be more optimistic, which in and of itself hasn't been a failure so far, however, that just isn't enough. Thinking more positively isn't the way to getting yourself out of your depression. You have to get out of the house and interact with people. I have to step out of my comfort zone more no matter how much I'd prefer to stay in sweat pants, on my couch, not doing my homework, and watching The Office for several hours straight. 

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