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Fixed knees

rosedust

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So I have not been here in several weeks and I can feel the need to vent so I make no promises as to how sane I will sound but I have no where else to turn.

    Mhmm well I guess I start with the 24th of last month, my mom had surgery on both knees. It was a quick out patient surgery, I knew she would need help with recovery so trying to be a good daughter of course I said I would be there to help her through it all. So for the past several weeks I have been driving the 30 min to her house to be there before she gets up and then staying until 11 o'clock at night, only to pack up my young child and drive the half an hour back home to hopefully get some sleep. I'm sooooo tired! But even more then the physical exhaustion my mind feels like its on a roller coaster and I can't get off. I sit here and get all wound up over things that have happened in the past and can't be changed. Like why am I taking care of her? I know to some that may sound cruel, she's my mother she gave me life and here I am complaining about making sure she gets through recovery. And yet I can't help but feel like once again I'm just the doormat that everyone uses. She never took care of me, she never made me comfortable or made sure I had everything I needed. She'd just always brush me off and tell me to get away because I might get her sick. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

     The past two days I haven't gone to help her. She's up on her own now anyways but the real reason is because I started to get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. The one right before I do something I know I'm going to regret. I had built up the courage to tell my mom some of the things I was feeling and before I could really say anything she did what she always does and started crying. And somehow the blame always comes back to me, somehow it's always my fault. So like usual I wanted a drink and I had one but instead of just having the one and letting that be that I got my phone and was about to get a fix. I have been drug free for 4 years, but 3 weeks with my mom and I was about to throw it all away. I'd be lying if I said I feel better and I haven't thought about doing it since, but truth is I've thought about how much better I would feel even if it was for a moment, to just let go and forget for an hour. 

    But instead here I am telling you all my truth for tonight. So please send me good vibes as I keep fighting this war with myself.



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You’ve pushed yourself too hard by taking care of everyone but YOU.  When we don’t practice self care, those thoughts that we tuck neatly into little boxes in our brains sneak out and torture us.  But you are strong.  You’ve been clean for 4 years.  That is amazing! You are amazing!  

You've started back on the road to self care by staying home these past 2 days. (Hurray!) By allowing yourself to come first sometimes you’re telling the world you’re not their doormat. 

People on this site care about you.  When you feel your lowest, know that we’re here. 🙂

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And you're not the only one who has a mom that was too self-involved to properly care for her daughter. Good on you for not giving up your 4 years! It can be really hard to take care of yourself when you've fallen into a pattern of taking care of everyone else. I wish you lots of courage as you establish boundaries that work for you.

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@WVSurvivor I have many problems with my mum. She is so critical and controlling. I take it but it makes me hurt, anxious, angry. Can’t she see that it is tall about her. She loves to give me little emotional digs, references to the past. “You won’t start drinking again will you, that will destroy your children and they need you” and so on. Laying on the guilt. Alwyat her bel and call because she has “no one else “ and needs me. It is emotional blackmail and I hate it. I vow never to be like my mother. She lived with us and you know, I got so ill, my husband thre her out on to the street and told her to go. Of course, I blamed myself because I wasn’t well as I hadn’t even spoke out about sexual abuse. It was one moreover thing to feel guiyabout. My daughters say no one would blame me if I never spoke to her again but I couldn’t do that.

I get how you feel it is a difficult one. I have learned to be harder and if she really knows she won’t get away with her bullshit she won’t do it. Has been difficult to put into practice though. X thinking of you and all those with controlling mothers xx

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