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Zero to One

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Why didn't you tell anyone?

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I'm so sick of hearing "why didn't they come forward sooner".

When I got out, my abuser pulled of a masterful piece of misdirection.  He convinced my girlfriend dump me.  He manipulated her into thinking I was terrifyingly evil so she wouldn't listen to a word I said.  He made her afraid and suddenly alone.  So she hung out with another of his victims.  Maybe even dated that guy.  Who knows.  What I do know is that other guy was too far gone (brainwashed) to be able to protect her from Him.

After I got out, I found it so hard to talk.  A cold choking silence would take over me if I dared think of talking about it.  I knew that He had done something to me, to us.  I tried to write it all down but couldn't get more than two sentences.  The best I could manage were small statements about how dangerous He was; about what he might do.  I tried talking to the police asking them to protect my (ex)girlfriend but couldn't give them anything they could action.  I was terrified of what He might do to her. His lies were sticking in my own head so I actually started thinking I was evil.  I became suicidal.  I was suffering from depression, PTSD, with DDNOS or possibly DID.  Daily and weekly breakdowns became normal.

And what did people think?   All of what I was going through,  everything I managed to say... Most dismissed it as a hormonal teenager who's GF had just left him, "just looking for someone to blame". :duh:

It makes me so angry to think about it now.  I still blame myself for being unable to tell anyone, for being unable to find the words.  I blame myself for not remembering what had happened.  I blame myself for abandoning her.  It took me over a decade to piece it all together and by the time I did, what good could I do?  Who could I tell?  There was even less for the police to go on than when it first happened.  If He was going to hurt her then he did a long time ago.

If #MeToo has done one thing then it's given me an excuse to talk about what happened years later.  It has told people that even though it happened a long time ago, talking about it is good.

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