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All for nothing

This week i looked up my abuser and found he erased me from my family tree, i was never born so I protected him for nothing, kept his abuse for secrets for nothing, fooled myself one day he would love me as a daughter not his property, i thought when i quit contact with him to stay sane, he would at least admit i existed but nope once and for all i get it, i was nothing to him but his sick plaything, i was never his daughter. I also foolishly believed if i was a good daughter to my abusive mom, the mom who brought me up to believe i was a mistake, that my huge reward would be, finally being embraced by my aunt , cousins, my stepdad, but nope all that effort i put into protecting my mom, nutureing her, getting through her terminal illness while i fought major depression disorder, raised a daughter, maintained a marriage was for nothing, i am more alone that i ever have been and feel abandoned by my family, then it dawns on me, all those dreams of being loved, respected, protected by my family was useless as i feel when i think of all the time i wasted trying to be a perfect daughter fpr them and it was all for nothing, so hurt and so enraged with myself, trying so hard not to be done, teleah

 



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TW......Maybe they were right, maybe i am worth nothing, that is what haunts me, maybe all i existed for was to be his doll and her caretaker ? Maybe I am a useless piece of nothing, There has been no evidence proving that theory wrong, Trying so hard tonight to not listen to those voices so i do not fall any further down the rabbit hole of complete self hatred.

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Exactly this. 

6 hours ago, DamagedButNotBroken said:

I and many others vehemently disagree. 

 

Abusers do not get to set our personal worth.  Sitting with you teleah.

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Fell down the rabbit hole and Tw....self harmed last night and am so discouraged, disappointed in myself, how can i not hate myself when i continue to be so weak ?

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Thank you to all of you for your support, I just emailed my sister's dad, I have kept too many secrets to keep hers. I worked so hard this week to keep her on an even keel but just like with my mom it does not seem to work, I am working so hard again for someone who does not appreciate it. I feel so defeated and exhausted when i think of all the effort i have put in being moms daughter and dads girlfriend and i am so sad that all that effort was for nothing, i am alone now, no acknowledgement for keeping his sick secrets, for protecting his sick acts of for protecting my mom from him, herself, the world. I can not stop grieving for that little girl who worked so hard and it was all for nothing, really struggling today with this, teleah

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