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teleahstears

A blog by teleah in General

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teleah

Entry posted by teleah ·

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This week i looked up my abuser and found he erased me from my family tree, i was never born so I protected him for nothing, kept his abuse for secrets for nothing, fooled myself one day he would love me as a daughter not his property, i thought when i quit contact with him to stay sane, he would at least admit i existed but nope once and for all i get it, i was nothing to him but his sick plaything, i was never his daughter. I also foolishly believed if i was a good daughter to my abusive mom, the mom who brought me up to believe i was a mistake, that my huge reward would be, finally being embraced by my aunt , cousins, my stepdad, but nope all that effort i put into protecting my mom, nutureing her, getting through her terminal illness while i fought major depression disorder, raised a daughter, maintained a marriage was for nothing, i am more alone that i ever have been and feel abandoned by my family, then it dawns on me, all those dreams of being loved, respected, protected by my family was useless as i feel when i think of all the time i wasted trying to be a perfect daughter fpr them and it was all for nothing, so hurt and so enraged with myself, trying so hard not to be done, teleah

 

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teleah

TW......Maybe they were right, maybe i am worth nothing, that is what haunts me, maybe all i existed for was to be his doll and her caretaker ? Maybe I am a useless piece of nothing, There has been no evidence proving that theory wrong, Trying so hard tonight to not listen to those voices so i do not fall any further down the rabbit hole of complete self hatred.

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ceirsha

Exactly this. 

6 hours ago, DamagedButNotBroken said:

I and many others vehemently disagree. 

 

Abusers do not get to set our personal worth.  Sitting with you teleah.

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teleah

Fell down the rabbit hole and Tw....self harmed last night and am so discouraged, disappointed in myself, how can i not hate myself when i continue to be so weak ?

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teleah

Thank you to all of you for your support, I just emailed my sister's dad, I have kept too many secrets to keep hers. I worked so hard this week to keep her on an even keel but just like with my mom it does not seem to work, I am working so hard again for someone who does not appreciate it. I feel so defeated and exhausted when i think of all the effort i have put in being moms daughter and dads girlfriend and i am so sad that all that effort was for nothing, i am alone now, no acknowledgement for keeping his sick secrets, for protecting his sick acts of for protecting my mom from him, herself, the world. I can not stop grieving for that little girl who worked so hard and it was all for nothing, really struggling today with this, teleah

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teleah

Once again today I found out that I am working so hard for my sister, for nothing, stepdad has not called me after I emailed him and tried to get sister help and sister called to have me be her secret keeper, this time about her boyfriend, so tired of working so hard to be, working so hard to be reminded again and again this is all for nothing, teleah

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teleah

Well as we speak her dad is planning on taking a day and going to go get her so she will be safe, away from an unsafe boyfriend, he is driving up and getting her stuff and she will move in with him, where she will have his warm hugs, support and know he is there for her despite her mental illness, eating disorder and bpd while i dream of one day of being loved by a real parent, ones that do not hurt you but support, fight and fight words like useless, done, exhausted and hope all this work to heal from my abuse has not been all for nothing, that one day i will feel as safe as my sister does with him, ouch, teleah

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