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Nov. 2016

Invisible~

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No one understands and i know people are annoyed with me i feel so lost

So alone. I cant talk to anyone bc i know people dont want to hear it anymore and counclors are once a week help, but who do I talk to when I have a flash back in the middle of a meeting? In the middle of work? In the middle of the congregation? In the middle of driving down the fricken road?

Who do i talk to when everyones happy and im laughing but i feel like i cant breath. When on the inside of me i feel fear and horro?

councling is ONLY a hour a week out of 168. And all they do is tell me the same crap over and over “grounding exersizes” “dont be afraid of ur feelings” .. blah blah blah

And i want it to help. I want something to help. But nothing fricken helps me. The elders, my prayers, friends family my relife from them is all temporay.

It always comes back. All of it, it plays and it lives over and over in my head. Like a farrios wheel that never turns off.

And it shoudnt, it shouldnt be like this now, its been over a fricken year. The last time He touched me was Nov. 2016.

... Nov.2016... its 2018

Its 2018 and everyday, everyday, it feels like Nov.2016

Every fricken day, every fricken hour, every god dam moment im back, im laying on a bed, im screaming im crying, i cant breath. Im back to my son listening to me scream for his dad not to kill me. My back to holding my legs shut, ripping his hands off me. Trying to keep them out of my pants.

But i cant tell people, bc ive already told them. Ive told them a thousand times. And they dont want to hear it, they dont want to live it & they dont have to, they shouldnt have to, i shouldnt have to, but i do.

I do, i do go  through  it, i live it. And it never stops, when it does stop, it just comes back.

There are moments when my sons trying to hug me, and hell touch my nec, and im back, i cant breath again. My head spins and. I have to remind my self of where im at, whos touching me, i have to remind my self im safe.

And “mr.L” what does he go through ?

Does he have nightmares, does he have moments where he cant breath? Does he have moments where hes all alone?

No. No he doesnt, but i do.



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Invisible~,

I’m very new to this website. This is my first comment. Hopefully, it is not too long. From reading just this post alone, I can feel your pain and the depth of the struggle you are going through. Despite the constant flashbacks and suffering you experience from day to day, you are proving your strength. The fact that you can openly express your ordeal no matter whether you feel people want to hear it or not, is very admirable. I know that feeling... one day of each week, I sit there watching the clock in my therapists office, not wanting to get up from my chair because I know that once I do, I have to face the outside world for another week using the “skills” that I know work, but don’t always seem like enough for the pain I feel. My abuse and rape ended 10 years ago. I thought the more I pushed the painful memories away, the more I’d forget. During those 10 years, I finished college, worked different jobs, did volunteer work, had intimate relationships (with their challenges). I felt like I’d succeeded at distracting myself from my trauma. But when my rapist resurfaced a year ago, I crumbled... I didn’t realize how pushing those emotions away was creating a pressure cooker effect - the more & the longer I crammed my trauma into this cooker, the hotter it became and the more lethal the release of pressure would be. So I am just now dealing with it. I just revealed to my family, that a man they placed their trust in, molested me from 15-18... and that a member of our religious community drugged and brutally raped me soon after that. I am just now coming to terms with it all as if it just happened all over again. So I can identify with you about feeling like people around you being able to process only but so much, esp when it involves people they knew in the community... & the frustrations of having to endure panic attacks, flashbacks, and triggers that are hard to explain or even anticipate. If we stay strong & persist in processing our pain... I believe it will get better with time if you continue to give your pain a voice. I hid my pain behind shame for more than 10 years (technically 14, including the years of abuse)... and lied to myself about what really happened to protect myself. I reality I just allowed those men that hurt me to retain a measure of power over me. Some days I feel weak and other days, strong. My determination is to take back that power by working through my pain so that it doesn’t control me forever. Sounds easier said than done... but I have to hope that it’s possible. I hope the same for you too. Much love and support to you. :throb:

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:throb:Enigma87,
thank you so much for sharing your story here. I’m so sorry he resurfaced in to your life, but I’m so proud of you for telling your family and others around u, It’s always comforting to hear that some else understands the feelings from trauma bc it reminds me I’m not alone, but it’s so heart breaking at the same time bc it means someone is hurting that much. I’m so sorry for all the pain u feel. It’s normal to lie to ur self about the abuse. Like u said it’s ur way of protecting ur self . our bodies know when we are emotionally able to except the truth, and that’s the moment we stop lying to our selfs. So don’t feel bad for doing that, or not talking about it for so long, u were just protecting ur self because that’s what u needed to feel a little safer.
im sorry it happened by 2 different people. I’m sorry u lived or more than once. I had it happen many times as well. U r very strong and u should b proud of ur self for all your doing. Feel free to message me on here💕 keep up the good work:throb:
 

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Invisible~,

Thank you so much. It’s nice to know we can support each other in all of this. It has been really hard lately. I appreciate your openness and sincerity. Hang in there ♥️

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