No one understands and i know people are annoyed with me i feel so lost
So alone. I cant talk to anyone bc i know people dont want to hear it anymore and counclors are once a week help, but who do I talk to when I have a flash back in the middle of a meeting? In the middle of work? In the middle of the congregation? In the middle of driving down the fricken road?
Who do i talk to when everyones happy and im laughing but i feel like i cant breath. When on the inside of me i feel fear and horro?
councling is ONLY a hour a week out of 168. And all they do is tell me the same crap over and over “grounding exersizes” “dont be afraid of ur feelings” .. blah blah blah
And i want it to help. I want something to help. But nothing fricken helps me. The elders, my prayers, friends family my relife from them is all temporay.
It always comes back. All of it, it plays and it lives over and over in my head. Like a farrios wheel that never turns off.
And it shoudnt, it shouldnt be like this now, its been over a fricken year. The last time He touched me was Nov. 2016.
... Nov.2016... its 2018
Its 2018 and everyday, everyday, it feels like Nov.2016
Every fricken day, every fricken hour, every god dam moment im back, im laying on a bed, im screaming im crying, i cant breath. Im back to my son listening to me scream for his dad not to kill me. My back to holding my legs shut, ripping his hands off me. Trying to keep them out of my pants.
But i cant tell people, bc ive already told them. Ive told them a thousand times. And they dont want to hear it, they dont want to live it & they dont have to, they shouldnt have to, i shouldnt have to, but i do.
I do, i do go through it, i live it. And it never stops, when it does stop, it just comes back.
There are moments when my sons trying to hug me, and hell touch my nec, and im back, i cant breath again. My head spins and. I have to remind my self of where im at, whos touching me, i have to remind my self im safe.
And “mr.L” what does he go through ?
Does he have nightmares, does he have moments where he cant breath? Does he have moments where hes all alone?
No. No he doesnt, but i do.