Well, I did it. I broke up with Libra. It came out of a lot of thinking and a stable mind, thankfully. He drove out to visit, we had a normal night of dinner and our TV show (at home of course), and went to bed. When we woke up and realized there wasn't much to do (rainy weather, no close friends in the area), he became notably upset and aggravated. I asked him what was wrong and he just pushed it off as being bored and wasn't mad. I'll spare all the details, mostly because I've said it all enough to my friends and family, but overall it came out that he still isn't sure that he loves me. I made the executive decision that this was the last straw. If you take back that you love me and are confused about what you want from me, you don't get to be with me. You don't deserve my whole heart and the plan of my future if you don't know what you want with your own.
Oddly, I feel okay. I think it's a strange mix of reality not sinking in and being content with my action to love myself more than I love him. I do love him, very much. But that diminishes when he looks at me blankly and says that he just doesn't feel the same. The only good part to come from our break up conversation was the reality that he is sorry for leading me on and having his own confusion affect me for this long, and that he does feel sad that we're breaking up. I know that a part of him didn't want to, or else he would have broken up with me long ago, and I hope he settles his own mentality before trying to bring me or someone else into something again.
Everyone has their own mental battles, and ours were rather conflicting. His depressive episodes, periods of "silent treatment" as I called it, and intense independence did not mesh well with my anxiety, need for communication, and "hopeless romantic" expectations of living. If that makes sense at all. But really, these conflicts were only when we were both having bad days. On our good days, we fit perfect. And this is what we were both holding onto in the end. I hope we both get the chance to figure ourselves out and how we work with ours/eachother. I don't know what I would say if he changed and wanted to try again. I just don't know yet. It is too soon for me to really give that some thought.
I need to let this be a mature breakup for me. All my previous relationships felt immature and the breakups especially. Some I moved immediately into rebounding to someone else, some I became self-destructive, and now this one I was to be mature. Self-discovery. Self-reliant.
I'll be okay.
"Living just comes with a bit of heartache
Heartache comes with a bit of young faith
Faith stays young till your heart get broken
Hope grows up to become someday"
-Painkillers/Rainbow Kitten Surprise