I've never tried to run a blog before, so I hope that the messiness of this blog won't deter you from reading what I have to say.
I want to start this blog by saying that I think that sexual assault or R (or anything that could fall in this category) is NEVER the victims fault. Never ever ever. But at the same time I still feel that this doesn't apply to me. What happened to me has changed who I am as a person and how I think about the world and the people in it. It has made me a much more cautious person and a much more clingy person. I will never say what happened changed me for the better, because that is not true. What happened has stolen my life from me and no matter how hard I try I still feel like I will never be able to get it back. But even though this all happened to me, it must be my fault. I mean, I must've let this happen to myself because how else could it have happened? I was always told that I should always be in control of my body and I couldn't be in this moment and that's on me.
I wouldn't ever wish sexual abuse on anyone. The pain that this has brought me is immeasurable and I don't think anyone should ever have to suffer through what I have had to, but I wish that my attacker could feel the pain that he has brought me. I wish that he knew what he has put me through. Every day I wake up and have to face my attacker. I pray to God that when I see him he doesn't make any comments to me, but I can bet on at least one sexual whisper in my ear when my back is turned, and I can guarantee he will "accidentally" press himself against the back of my leg.
It's been almost two years since he left the scars on my body and stole the hope I had for the future. I thought that I was past this pain, but lately I feel that it is getting bad again. The nightmares have returned and the urges to hurt myself have increased. I have been trying not to think about bringing pain to my attacker but thats all I can think about lately. I want him to hurt the way I hurt, and ache the way my body aches. I want him to wake up in the middle of the night like I do and feel unsafe in his own skin. I want his life to be flipped upside down like mine was. I know that he doesn't deserve this pain. No one does. I wish I could get these thoughts out of my head and oh god do I wish that I could stop feeling bad for my attacker because I want him to feel like I do.
I came to this site hoping to find people who feel the way I do and I hope that people can help me find my way through this. I can't live with this type of pain anymore. I can't deal with the nightmares anymore. I hope that my first post doesn't scare you away and I hope that this community can help me find the person I used to be.