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Fragile hope



We are moving to a 2 bedroom apartment on the 1st and I am daring to have hope. I dont have any hope for the father of my child. He has proven that he doesnt want a better life, that I mean nothing to him. It doesnt matter anymore. What does matter is that when this new lease is up he will leave and i will have a 2 bedroom and he will pay child support whether he likes it or not. This next year I will live for me regardless of what he does. I will never get with an addict ever again. I will never be an addoct ever again. If hard things in life come I will find solutions and make myself happy. I will never lean on a crutch like that again. My son deserves worlds better. I pursue my education and I will get a job when the baby is 6 months old to be able to support us. I will live the life i see in my dreams, the life i yearn for. I am not worthless. I deserve to be treated right. I deserve to be happy. I deserve respect. I must take back control of my life. I cant believe ive allowed myself to be emotionally and mentally abused by him. At least there is no physical violence. But the other day in fear of him cheating on me and bringing me an STD i had sex with him. I had a flashback through the whole thing. I hated it. He makes me sick to look at now. I dont love him and i cant stand that im stuck here. He doesnt care that hes killing my soul. He wants his son here and if we break up he wont be in the same house. I cant believe how truly selfish he is. I am so hurt and depressed and angry. I am so full of hatred for him. I dont want to feel like this anymore. I dont want to be with him. I want him to stay in the one bedroom and me and the baby go to the two bedroom but that wont happen. At least i am on this lease and i will be forming good rental credit. I will endure whatever to be able to climb out of this hole i dug. My baby needs me. I feel frantic. I feel trapped. I feel suffocated and broken. No one will help me get away so i will fashion the opportunity myself. I refuse to let him kill my heart and soul. He wont win. He'll never change and i will never marry him. Yet out of the ashes i feel hope for once in a long time. Im sober and strong and my baby is healthy and beautiful. Im in school still and doing well. If i have nothing else i have hope. Thats enough for now...


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