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Happiness

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AlyssaLane

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I've only been moved out for a few days now, but I feel like I'm actually kind of happy for the first time in a while. Ever since I moved in, I haven't woken up feeling like shit or being unhappy. I really hope this is a feeling that sticks, because I really like it. I have motivation for things now, and although I have my shit moments throughout the day, each day is actually kind of a good day. That is not something I ever could have said before. 

I think being in that house was a big cause of my depression. I hated it there. I never felt loved or wanted. But now that I've moved out so far my family has been supportive and helpful. I asked my dad to just buy me some pizza rolls, and he bought me a whole bunch of groceries. 

One thing that still gets me down, though, is my lack of friends. I have a very hard time initiating and maintaining friendships. I genuinely hate myself, so I guess I have a hard time imagining that anyone would actually like me. But these are all things I'm working on. 

A very good friend of mine, (who is actually my old teacher, she somehow became the most supportive, loving person in my life. It's a long story, one that I'll probably tell another time), has been helping me have a more positive mental attitude. And it's actually working.

I'm still upset I didn't get to the college I wanted, even though I got accepted, but on the bright side, I'm not alone here. I have a support system that actually works for me. I got a job, even though I have to work a block from THAT location, and I could always get in contact with old friends, if I really tried. 

For the first time in my life, I feel like things are going to be okay for me. And I can always transfer to my dream school next semester. It gives me motivation to keep my shit together.

Most of my life, I haven't really wanted to be alive. I've always had suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I always felt like a walking corpse. I didn't have the courage to actually kill myself, except the 3 times I tried and failed, so it was like I was being forced to be alive. I was living each day depressed because I didn't want to be living it at all. But, today I actually want to be alive. And that's something I haven't been able to say in years. 

Maybe I'm jumping the shark and I'll actually be really depressed within a week, but it feels good to be happy for now.  

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