Holy cow. my thoughts have been racing for nearly the entire day. I can't sleep, I have to get up for class in 7 hours, and I can tell this is only going to get worse the later I stay up. I'm trying so hard to fall asleep. Everything is racing and I'm so anxious I feel like I'm going to throw up. Everything is working against me in my head right now and I'm just going to explode if I don't get it out somehow.
My mom's in the ER and they haven't sent me her CAT scan updates and I don't think they're planning to tell me until tomorrow. She may need surgery within the week and I have classes starting and will have to work around my classes to go home (3 hour drive). I can't help but think the worst and think something is going to go wrong and I can't imagine losing her. I start thinking about what kind of relationship will I have with my dad if she doesn't make it. It's just absurd because she is going to be fine and there's no reason why I should be this nervous about that and I feel horrible for thinking it. But I can't shake the what if.
I am almost convinced I need to break up with Libra or I will go insane. I ran through an entire break up speech in my head (while trying to fall asleep) and now I'm just terrified and anxious for that conversation. I have no one to turn to right now and I have no one who is willing to stay awake with me right now and listen to me rant or be with me.
I'm beyond terrified of seeing either of my assaulters tomorrow on campus when classes start. It's nearly impossible since I believe both of them spend all of their time on the other campus, but I'm back to that aching what if feeling. I have such a busy day every day this semester and I don't know what will happen if my path crosses with theirs. That's the hardest part of this first week, finding a new schedule and a new path that might cross theirs.
I feel like I'm going to throw up and explode and miss my alarm and not sleep at all and have a nightmare if I do and probably make all the wrong impressions tomorrow and miss the bus and say something wrong and probably run into someone I never want to see again and somethings going to happen with my mom and I just want all these thoughts to STOP