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End of a Chapter



This may be a bit early to be posting about, but oh well. There's a good chance Libra and I are going to break up. For background, we have been together for a year and a half, 2 years in November. He is the first person I told about my story, and it happened a few months before I met him. He's seen me through every stage of this recovery process and was the main (practically only) reason I started going to therapy. I love him more than words, but it just doesn't seem like he feels the same way towards me. He has his own mental health battle and he is saying right now that he's not sure if it's his mental health going down again or his actual feelings changing towards us and our relationship. I'm lucky this is happening while I'm in an okay place mentally. I kept myself busy by packing up and moving out of my house and getting ready to move to my apartment. It doesn't feel real, and we've had these back and forths before, but I'm not sure how much more I can do about it. I'm glad I'm stable enough right now to not take his pain out on myself, because I have done that enough. 

I'm hoping he comes to his senses and figures out his own dilemma, but I'm not sure how much longer I can wait. How long do you wait before someone just admits they don't love you anymore? How long do I put up with this in between before I take control and end it myself for my own sanity?

I've known that things have been weird between us, but he is too stubborn and independent to come to me with his problems. I feel good that it came out calmly and on my terms (I asked him to talk when we were both calm and there was no anger) and it's helping me cope that we weren't upset or angry during the conversation. Well, I cried a lot but I wasn't hysterical or having an anxiety attack. Oh well, I guess I'll update later. Feels kind of surreal that only a few months ago he was asking what kind of engagement ring I want and now we might not make it to the end of the week.

I also move this Friday, so now the last time we see each other/talk before I move will be about this or breaking up. And then my birthday party in Grand Rapids is this weekend. Gonna do my best not to be destructive. And then it's the 2-year "anniversary" of both of my assaults and my grandpa's death. All within a 2-day frame. I don't even know what day it is exactly because I've been scared to look back and find out. I want to breeze over it like nothing happened, but that's unrealistic.

"Here I am, and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be"
-Gravity/Sara Bareilles



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This is so commonly said  but just take it a day at a time with how you cope. Its okay if you go from feeling strong to feeling weak. I hope that you find the strength to keep checking on you (taking a time out to yourself, talking to someone on the outside of the situation , making sure your practicing self care). Take care

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