A Journey

Wow, good for you! In my mother's culture (and generation), the man's needs, wants, and identity are above the woman's. I was told not to join any religion until I get married and be whatever my husband is. That's just a small part of the messed up way I was raised by my mother and I'm 43 now and unmarried. I once had an acquaintance tell me that I was never going to get a guy with my attitude, because men want a happy, confident woman. She got quite bitchy when I didn't like her comment, and said, "Do you want me to lie? Because if all you want to hear is, I don't know why he doesn't want you, then I'll say that!!" I wasn't even looking for a guy to be with, so I don't even know why she made that initial comment in the first place. I guess because I was single she thought she was helping me to get out of being single. I was actually more upset over the idea of having to have a better attitude for the benefit of getting a man. Why couldn't I be more happy and confident for my own sake? I deserve happiness and self-love and confidence because I'm worth it, not because I need to get a guy or please a guy. Ugh! I think this obsessive need to please a man has to do with basic biology. We have eggs, we need to breed (that's a whole topic on its own!), so we need to attract a man, and to attract a man we need to be everything he wants. Different cultures have the same obsessions revolving around the idea of women existing for men's benefit. It's really hard to shake off, unfortunately. Ironically, when you're too willing to please a man and always trying to be what he wants, he'll lose respect for you and get bored. Thanks for this topic. Keep pounding down the pavement to your heart's desire!!

Thank you @CrimsonQ. I had an interesting twist in all of this tonight presented by one of my neighbors, I'll call her SJ because it might get confusing. My r****t is actually dating one of my other neighbors. Tonight, SJ turns to me during our game night "How can she have a boyfriend and you don't?" This cycle of needing a man is crazy and to be told he was an eligible prospect was crazy to me.

I will continue to forge ahead with being the independent person I am because that is how I am and going backwards is not an option.

That's terrible that you have to see the guy who *r'ed* you (I'm assuming since he's dating your neighbour then he's around the neighbourhood). It's sad when you have to hear other people talk about the guy like he's a normal, nice guy, and only you know the truth about his character.

 

Edited August 14, 2018 by CrimsonQ

I'm glad that you're not feeding into this garbage that she's telling you. You're right, your value shouldn't depend on how much a man wants you. I'm sorry about your mother.