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torn down




that's a thought that goes through my head about 80 times a day 

I had my mom by me  grapes, oranges, blueberry's,  blue berry bagels,  granola,  an vanilla yogurt… but why what's the point of buying food when it goes to waste minutes later looking at the food my anxiety rises so high... an makes me feel so torn down today I ate some grapes lots of water an I have a small bowl of yogurt with granola an with every bite I hate myself … my medicine  usually makes me feel cold sometimes but lately I have been extremely freezing cold constantly shaking even outside.. an just wanting to sleep so I cant feel it. 

feeling torn down but feels like I cant touch the ground.. every time I think about him getting out I feel petrified an I feel dirty .. cause he lives just 10 minutes down the road from me an knows where I live.... I feel scared unsafe an torn down.. just completely an utterly worn out just existing not living an being me..

yesterday I had a total of four ear pricings an I decided ill get two more on my ears an ill be done.. when I was getting them yesterday it hurt so bad an gave me a flashback of him on top of me looking down at me holding my wrists down really tight crying so hard that I could see him just barley … that's the last time I felt pain may 9th 2018 yesterday when I got those two pricings was the first time I felt pain in 4 months..  I just wanna feel normal again an not always like this... when will it go away?

why do I feel like this ?

does it go away...?

why does he not have to feel like this?

he gets a room to his self 3 meals a day in solitary confinement not being humiliated doesn't have to relive an have these thoughts I find it so unfair its just like his life back home but he doesn't get to do it to anyone because there's a gate blocking him from the world … he's so good with words he's capable of even doing it to males an females he doesn't even have to be next to them just through a whole in the door an he can violate them in so many ways...  I wish he was in a room with no windows nothing … just pure blank walls an a bed an over a intercom they play baby crying noises an screaming... noises that would drive him crazy I just wish he could feel what I have been dealing with for four months...


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