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Blackness

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justgivealittle

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My coffee, race and soul seem to all be the same. Black. Like a black mood persists among me. A black cloud that I just can't get out of. All day I have been anxious and restless but not feeling good due to the time of the month. And when this "time" happens, Its always a trigger in many ways. I am more emotional, more worn out, more moody, more down and depressed. Is this a disorder? Could this be something? I don't know. All I know is that I've been having somewhat of a depressive spell in the last couple of weeks brought on more by the fact that I have an anniversary coming up.

I hate you and everything about you. I wish I didn't think about you or this anniversary. And the sad part is that I feel bad for feeling this way. Because people have gone through things like this and worse and are okay. And then here is me, this mess of a person who always comes back full circle in this order: depressed, anxious, sad, impulsive, manic, paranoid, hearing voices, and then it seems to repeat in this roundabout cycle. Right now I'm a whole lot of in the middle. Manic and depressed, functioning and not. But everything that happened was my fault anyway, I caused it, idk. I'm starting to feel sick. 

My eating issues are trying to get the best of me. The urges and thoughts to restrict have been working on me. I eat when I eat, don't when I don't and I can't seem to stop it. Realistically, I'm sure this is causing me some of my depressiveness. But I'm too out there to care....

Then comes the self harm. and I don't recommend it to anyone to do it, but can't judge someone because I have been doing it. I'm not proud but it is what it is. 

Theres times like right now where I feel I could just disappear out of the world and no one would notice or care, except my fiancé and at times I don't know if that's enough. 

Think its time to ring the crisis line and talk to them. I'm just tired. So sick and tired. Update later.

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I will be thinking of you.  Would you let me know next time you’re here?  I’m new and trying to find my way around—i would love to have a reply or a message from you!

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