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existing not living....

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do you remember seeing me in court ? me staring you right in the eyes as i told them everything you did to me. during the whole time i really felt nothing except when i was walking in i was sobbing i heard you kinda moving an the chains that shackled your ankles up to your wrists jingled an that sound made me so sick to my stomach when i got to the stand when they started asking questions i started to look at you at first i was still sobbing then i wiped my tears away an gave you a dead blank stare two hours of answering questions felt like 4 days everything felt so slow i could barley hear the attorneys asking questions when staring at you but when i would look down at the ground i would tear up an i would feel so sick staring at you i felt like i was just there existing not living..hearing you say not sir im not guilt i wanted to scream an shout an curse an jump over the table an hit you because you know exactly what you did you took videos an shared with your friends the only thing that protected me was those shackles cause theses officers around me couldn't stop your wants an needs 

finally it was over the questioning was finally over you had to leave the room first an me hearing your shackles made me lose it after you left i quickly got up an ran out of the room an straight to the bathroom my advocate jess following behind me then they let him back in the room for his questioning i went in the stall an began throwing up an crying saying i give up i give up she hugged me an said what you did out there was one of the bravest things i have ever seen a 17 year old girl do trinity after court i felt so horrible 

existing not living....

at the next court date hearing your shackles made me even sicker than last time that hearing keys or key chains or any sound related makes me so sick an i have a anxiety attack

since a few weeks ago at the last court date every time i think about food or someone mentions it i feel extremely nautious an when i do a a few bites every 12 hours ill throw up but ill take the few bites so my mom thinks im okay .... the past 5 days iv lost 21 pounds...

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