Wings, or Roots?
I have been traveling for work for the past year - I get a contract for about 3 months, and work and explore and then move on. It has been so interesting and I have learned a lot about myself, but I have been lonely and feeling this yearning for security and comfort and familiarity. That is the big struggle in life, right? We crave both security and freedom but to really have one, we have to give up the other. I've always felt called to the freedom side of things, and whatever I've done, I've always felt like I should be doing more - taking more risks, creating fewer ties to the places I lived and the people I knew, dreaming of leaving everything behind and moving to Fiji or Norway or joining an international NPO and making a real difference in a place that needs it. Now, after only a year of actually beginning to create that life, I don't really want it anymore. I still want to see the world and have as many different experiences as I can, but I also want to have a solid home base. I actually WANT connections, I want to be 'tied down', in a way.
So, I took a permanent job in my home state, and I am mostly happy about it. Except when I think about like taking a job in San Diego or Hawaii or something. Then I am sad. I am like a dueling piano bar inside my soul. Half of me is so happy to think about settling in a place and buying a home maybe and having like a community and a solid life somewhere, and half of me is so disappointed and just wants to keep traveling and having new experiences and exploring the world and seeing what is out there. But I am sorry adventurous side, right now, homemaker side is winning. If I picture my ideal life, what I see is a cute house with a yard for my dog, and someone who loves me very much waiting there for me, and a baby or two growing up and laughing and getting excited about going to the park or to Disneyland, and a career where I feel satisfied that I am making a difference, and maybe former students or clients send me letters and I have a weekly wine night with my best friends, and my husband and I are planning a trip to Tanzania and my mom will watch the kids, and when I get home at night and things are crazy I still can just stop and feel actually happy and like, yeah this is where I belong. That is what I want, and yes being a nomad with crazy adventures and no ties is appealing in other ways, but I really think a big part of why I wanted that was that I was too scared to want this other life. I wanted freedom and adventure not instead of safety and security, but because that is what felt most safe and secure at the time. Trusting people? Building a life? Depending on others and actually admitting that I desired human affection? That was (and still can be) terrifying!! And it does seem a bit far fetched that I could have it, but it is what I want so I am not going to shy away from it anymore. And yeah, life can get in the way, and maybe not everything will happen like that. Maybe it will be me and my two foster kids who plan a trip to Tanzania. I don’t know. But all I can do is try and be true to myself and what I want. And try and really listen to what my heart is telling me as cliché as that sounds. So I’m glad to be taking a permanent job. And adventure will still be out there, and I will see where life takes me.
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