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My musings

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My first Clue



My Hell started when I was 4 when my grandfather had started to sexually abuse me. It went on for years. Infact it went on until he died when I was about 12. I probably spent a year finally feeling free. I always dissociated during the abuse, so what happened I did not remember, but the fear and icky feelings were there and I knew I did not want to be near him, though I knew not why. however about a year after he died I blocked that off too so the entire abuse was lost to my awareness. Infact I rememeber my slightly older cousin dragging me in my room one day at a holiday event and asked me if he ever did anything to me. well, I had NO memory of it and told her no and asked her why, and I could see she got flustered, but thought nothing of it at the time. 

My whole family, barring that one cousin, thought he was the greatest thing this world ever produced. I remember getting mad when the subject was brought up at gatherings and I also remember that other cousin literally hating him. I don't think she ever forgot.

My first clue that something was wrong was when I was watching a documentary on childhood sexual abuse . they were listing symptoms later on and I think the first was a dislike of their faces getting wet. I dont remember the others. But it was at this point when I knew something happened to me, but I was decades away from remembering from who.

Infact when I was about 32 was when all the body memories were starting to make sense. Thinking I was loosing my mind, I remembered my cousin cornering me in my room that day so I emailed her and told her that I thought he did that to me. Her response was 'ditto' and it was never brought up again. 

I have realized that my promiscous nature, and my choices in men and situations were all  chosen to do what my grandfather wanted me to. As backwards as that is, I was still stuck in the 4 year old mindset of loving him, and trying to make him happy.

I am 46 now, and I had to cut off all relationships with men for me to finally start working through this issue. I feel as though if I don't do this now I will never have a healthy relationship, because as i am now,  just hating relations as much as I do there is no chance of having one.... and it would be nice to have that before I die. 

that however involves remembering, which will have to involve fusion of my alters.  A long road ahead.. It took 20 years from first clue to knowing a little bit about what happened. I'm hoping the next steps won't take as long.

But that blog's for another day.


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19 hours ago, ASnow said:

Thank you.  Venting helps. 

It really, really does.  I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through.  I wish you lots of luck and healing. :throb:


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