Visiting this site on a daily basis is a constant reminder of the amount of unjustified pain and suffering that sadly exists around us in today's world. It's even harder to realize that some of the pain we see and hardships endured are so close to our own. And let me be clear on this - this isn't to say that it's a bad site. No, this isn't what I'm saying. I mean to say that AS is just real, SO very real and the things I read daily are yet another reminder of just how much I understand that neither I nor anyone else SHOULD understand. And while each day goes by and the next begins, I come back in hopes of seeing someone post some good news, something to celebrate, something GOOD and positive that is happening in their lives.
Being here (as well as having slightly too much time on my hands) also makes me think in depth about the small, yet complicated things that continue to burden my heart - and then I find myself fantasizing about what things would be like in my version of an ideal world.
- In an ideal world, I'd smile every day and mean it. None of those fake smiles. You know the ones. The ones you put on just so no one can see you're starting to cry.
- In an ideal world, I wouldn't look at someone and first wonder how they'll end up hurting me in the long run. I'd be willing to take more chances at both new and old new friendships, because I'd know nothing of betrayal. Betrayal wears many, many faces and does its job in different ways - but the end result is the same.
- In an ideal world, I'd have allowed more people into my inner circle. While I fortunately have my longtime partner by my side daily, there's still a need for a larger network of people to share your life, your triumphs, your joy, your disappointments, sorrows, etc. Because, let's face it. One person can't possibly be your everything. In a perfect world, I'd have realized this a lot sooner and in turn, I'd be more willing to welcome within my circle anyone who wanted to be in it. Alas, I've seen too much ugliness and it makes it VERY difficult to be without some skepticism. In an alternate, fantasy universe, though, this hesitance wouldn't exist and I'd have plenty of room in my heart's blueprints to fit everyone and I'd spend less time purging those whom I cannot trust.
- In an ideal world, family wouldn't be your last choice of people you want to be around. You wouldn't DREAD upcoming birthdays or holidays like I have started to lately, simply because the demands of others have gotten to the point where the holiday spirit no longer is felt; instead, these 'wonderful' times have become obligatory, mandatory, and no longer fun, thus resulting in a severe case of the bah-humbugs.
I should add this side note to my last 'ideal world' list item - since my move (and even before) I'm currently feeling that I need to take in my mother in small doses. I might need bail money wired over sometime soon because I've had to walk away from her a number of times lately, during some of her recent outbursts. At Christmas, at the kids' birthdays, at the Son's graduation party. I'm TIRED of having to referee between her and my daughter, my fiancee, my son, the wasband...in another realm, I'd not have to do this at all and everyone would figure out their own shit!
And as much as she wants me to care about whether my daughter spends a week at her house, I instead leave it up to the daughter. If SHE wants to go, then fine, I'm more than happy to make it happen. But if the daughter says doesn't want to spend four days with Grandma being paraded around her friends at the senior community pool, then that should be enough of an answer for my mother. However it is not and I end up getting the 'woe is me' text message. I, being the nice person I am, don't have the heart to tell her that I honest to God don't give a shit about how disappointed she is that she can't entice a 12-year-old into staying with her for more than a day, if even that long. Because the truth is - I don't think I could, either! Five minutes with her and I'm annoyed. Ten minutes and I'm ready to go home. Any more than that, I end up in autopilot mode and while I still manage to count down the minutes until she (or I) leaves, I spend the remainder of her visits enjoying her less and less. And this causes me to hate myself for feeling this way toward the woman who birthed me, who is in MANY ways responsible for my successes. There's more to this, but I'll not discuss this right now.
- In an ideal world, medical appointments do NOT lead to additional medical appointments. There isn't much I can do about this one, but I sure could dream. I have yet another appointment on Friday - the previously mentioned biopsy will take place. And then I will likely STILL be stressing after that because now I've found out that the mammogram results showed some calcification in my right ta-ta that the doctor now wants to get a better look at. So a 3D scan is scheduled for Tuesday. And ALL of this started with a simple, routine, annual pap.
- In an ideal world, we would have no concept of time, no deadlines, no limits. Everything we need or want to do for ourselves should be attainable easily without the fear of not having enough time to do all of these things. It'd also be nice if we could make those wonderful, special moments last longer if not forever, and bask in the euphoria we feel during those times. Wouldn't it be great to be without fear of good things being sullied or tarnished by negativity?? Furthermore, wouldn't it be ideal also for negativity to simply cease to rear its ugly head?
This perfect, ideal world simply doesn't exist, though. As much as I want it to, I know it doesn't.
Instead, we're left with what we perceive to be ideal as opposed to what we have in front of us. And more often than not, what we see first are the things that we don't particularly enjoy.
How can we change or modify things so that they look more like we want them to, instead of the blistering mess that we're used to? What changes do we have to make within ourselves to make life a little bit more bearable?
Anyone want to share some of their ideals? It's healing, I promise. Just post 'em below!!!
Will also post some more in my own comments, if I can. There are just so, SO many things I'd like to change in today's world and it appears that while listing them and discussing them, I've lost track of time and my bowling team is patiently awaiting my arrival.
So, until later, my friends.