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Another Day...

lunarosa

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No matter how much I feel like I'm improving or feeling better or handling things better, some days seem impossible to get through. The past month has felt too hard. It takes everything in me to force myself to go to work and smile and be "on". I feel drained despite not really doing much. I feel unloved. I feel a million different things and none of them seem to be good. Nothing is interesting anymore to me either. I'm irritated by everyone and everything. I hope these entries aren't too repetitive, this is the only place I feel safe saying how I feel and what I'm thinking. I don't really have anybody to talk to and keeping a physical journal is always a bust. I always end up giving up on it or not writing in it. At least this way, nobody knows who I am and nobody that I know will ever find this or ever read it and that brings me a lot of comfort. 

The biggest things bothering me lately are feeling like I'm not doing enough and feeling unloved in general,  by everyone. I'm working a retail job that gives me hardly any hours and I'm barely scraping by on bills. I got a different job recently but I haven't started yet and I'm just feeling impatient. I'm hoping that this new job doesn't make me feel the way my current one does but I'm sure that any job would make me feel this way, it's probably due to my depression. I feel like I've started everything too late and I'm running out of time. Sometimes the inevitability of an ending to my life overwhelms me so much and makes me feel so lost and scared. There isn't any comfort in an ending for me, I just end up feeling like I'm wasting my time and at the end of my life I'll have nothing to show for myself. I fear being alone forever and never having a family and never finding a place where I feel at home and safe and comfortable. I'm just afraid of so many things. 

It's embarrassing to say out loud but I feel like nobody loves me. Even my mom. I feel like the people who claim to love me just go through the motions and they don't actually mean what they say. I struggle with feeling worthy of anything. How am I even deserving of love? I'm not a good person despite what everyone seems to think. It's like nobody really knows me or something. Nobody knows all of the awful things I've done or the way I've treated people. How manipulative and mean spirited I've been in the past. I want so badly to be good and kind and honest and to love myself but at this point, is it too late for any of that? I think maybe it might be. 

It's days like today that I just want to lay in a quiet room and daydream about disappearing and going somewhere where nobody knows me. I just want to be left alone and stop being a burden on everyone in my life. 

I know that getting in to a relationship right now isn't the best idea for me. I'm aware of that, I repeat this fact to myself all of the time. I still want to find someone to spend my life with. I just want to find someone that I love and who loves me back who'll work with me to build a good, strong relationship and I don't think I'm ever going to find that person. I hate when I voice this to people and they try and tell me that I have plenty of time but I don't want to hear that. I just want someone to listen to me for once. I know how pathetic I sound when I say I want to find a man but it's how I feel, I can't help it. Even now I'm tearing up because I don't know when it'll happen for me and I just feel so lonely. I can't keep going on the way I am, seeing J and sleeping with him and going through the motions of being in a relationship without any commitment. He could walk away from me at any moment and I'm so SICK of feeling that way! Of feeling uncertain. I want a sure thing, I want commitment.

I'm sad. I want a hug. I want to be isolated and alone at the same time. I just want someone to listen to me and tell me that everything is going to be OK but I have nobody and I'm tired of having nobody, not even a friend to reach out to. My family will never be there for me, they don't care about me and they don't have time for me.

 

I'm alone. I will continue to be alone for a long time, most likely and I'm just going to have to get used to that. I'm going to have to let this sadness go and try and move on and live and push myself to be OK and live my life.I need to grow up and go to work every day and be an adult and a normal person. I want so badly for the good things to come but I'm afraid they never will. 



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Luna Rosa, I'm hoping a male perspective is okay. Not to mention a whole bunch of rambling as well. I am so sorry to see you struggling like this. I do in general know what it is like just trying to get through a moment let alone whole day sometimes. It truly can start to feel like you're going through the motions at times. Sort of like merely existing and not fully living. Which can be a challenge to those of us who want to completely embrace everything positive and proactive. It just sucks when what we want within our mind struggles coming to fruition. 

Going through these exact motions can be extremely exhausting in every single possible way. It takes a lot of energy to pretend. This can make it difficult when trying to communicate and converse with the outside world. Easy to feel sometimes deep inside yet hard to express those feelings in a outward way. These kinds of inconsistencies can also be a challenge in dealing with. All can seem like cycles of chaos at times and make it all become rather overwhelming.

I want to feel completely better like yesterday and have all the answers the day before that. So much I have wanted and want to experience in life. Yet this traumatic abuse from one individual seems to have such a total impact on every single area within my life. Not sure if that makes any sense at all. Or if you may be able to relate perhaps in general. I just do not like feeling a lack of control. When control was so violently ripped away from me so unexpectedly in the first place. Uncertainty can be as debilitating as knowing what's bad. Because of the anxiety and fear which may come as a result.

Feeling a lack of self-worth is not fun at all. I do think that the doubt is one thing that abusers happen to use against us. Since this maybe makes them feel more empowered and also less guilty as well. I have made so many mistakes and hurt multiple others along the way. Not because of ill intent. Simply as not really caring for my own self more than anything else. I think it is important though to try recognizing intent. My guess is that you do not want to be manipulative and mean all the time. Maybe you are simply just feeling lost and trying to make any sense at all of what really may lack any at all. 

I definitely have also always felt like a burden. That no one should have to deal with all or even any of my crap. So thus they are best to stay away. Thus, I tend to self-sabotage any good within my life. Almost expecting the bad to happen so trying therefore to control it from that get-go. 

More than anything else I still want to be happy with another soul though. I have so much damn love to give. Just that I have not always shown this in the correct way never having been loved when growing up. I guess I'm trying to accept that others who choose interacting with me do so of their own volition. Meaning maybe it is not always up to me deciding if I am worthy of that interaction in the first place. I do in general also get what you say about listening. Much easier for someone to talk. All of this can be so lonely and make one feel completely alone. As if no one else out there will ever get us or even care. Please know that there can at least be some unity within general support. That what you say is important and does hold a lot of worth. Even if that fact is not always felt.

 

 

 

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@Ian37 Thank you so much for your comment. It does feel better to know that I'm not completely alone in the way that I feel, however at the same time I wouldn't wish these feelings on anybody else and I'm sorry for any struggles you face in daily life and hope things improve soon! For the both of us. 

Lack of control is something I relate with very strongly. Especially up until about a year ago, I used to feel like I had absolutely no control over myself or my life in this strange unexplained way. Like I was detached from myself and all of my choices and actions, it can feel absolutely horrendous. 

Same with the self-sabotage. Although I'm at a point now where I know I'm doing it, I always recognize that I've done it when it's too late. I'm working on catching myself before I can push people away but the fear of being hurt or my trust being betrayed can feel so overwhelming at times.

I am so appreciative that you read through my post and took the time to send me a comment. I am always open to listening if you ever need anyone to vent to or just someone to talk to about anything at all!

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Luna Rosa, you are more than welcome. I just know that this can seem so overwhelming. You are very kind to have concern for my own struggles. I really am trying to forgive myself for prior mistakes and get rid of past negative within my life. 

That lack of control is a huge issue with me as well. Not that I want to be controlling of anyone else at all. I have been abused repeatedly and the last thing wanted now is telling anyone else what to do. Interesting that you mention being detached. I just do not like not knowing myself and would rather know what's what in advance. May I ask what has made you feel more in control as of late? It seems like the more I tend to try taking it there is then even less felt. Giving to and helping others has always made me feel a little more in control I guess. There is just this definite disconnect in where I am wanting to be in life. Yet then where I actually am. I have worked hard for certain things and it honestly sort of sucks when certain ones you want the most have not come to full fruition.

Self-sabotage is definitely one of the patterns I am determined to get fully rid of. I am trying to realize I'm more deserving of more positive. Even though some of my past actions have been negative. It is just not easy changing in a day or two what one has been used to for years. I do know that fear of being hurt once again can be a prominent presence within our minds as well. Staying on the side can sort of self-protect us from more bad. Or at least that is the definite hope and possible outcome.

:luck:

 

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