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#12 Permission to Feel Hurt

elisand

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People have always said to me that if I feel bad cuz someone hurt me it's my fault that the only one who hurts me is me. 

Forever I hated that. I'd try to not be hurt & obviously that didn't work. 

My therapist and I were exploring the concept how when someone hurts me what i should focus on is not about that person, that he's bad and did the wrong thing. Even though that may be.

What matters the most for me is how it is affecting me. That person may never apologize, so where would that leave me if I depend on him. Instead I could try to figure out a way to deal with what I felt.

I realized this addresses the same thing as what people say that i mentioned in the beginning. Meaning, how I proceed does not depend on the one who hurt me. It's not about being my fault.



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Well I really understand this. I feel so bad too when I read those supposed motivational sentences like "you're the only one who can decide how to feel". F**k no, it doesn't work like that! I was also always told that if I suffered, it was because I had done something bad, so I had not the right to suffer, because probably I made someone else suffer more, so I really feel that "permission to feel hurt" thing.

Now, I really understand that what your T said might have led you to do this connection with what everyone used to say to you, it happened to me a lot. But I think there's a little-big difference: people told you that you had not the right to feel hurt because according to them you did it on purpose when you could just be fine (nope, nope.), your T said that, RIGHT BECAUSE YOU FEEL HURT, and it can't go away so easily, you should focus and work on that suffering, that can not but exist, because it was done to you. And you're not going to be fine overnight, it will most likely be hard work to overcome it, and the sooner you start allowing yourself to feel that hurt, the sooner you may start healing. I think it's not about admitting that it's your fault and responsibility if you suffer, because it's not. I think it's more about recognizing and allowing your suffering, taking care of it as a real and important thing, that's right the opposite of what people used to tell you.
I understand how might be important to you talking about what others did to you - and blame them - though, I also do this, maybe we really feel the need to convince ourselves and others that what we went through was real bad and that anyone would have suffered, that we are justified, and that it's not just us being sensitive, making a drama over nothing and always doing and being wrong. Maybe your T just thought this was taking from you too many energies that could have been focused on healing. But I don't know, probably what you need to heal from the most right now, is not being recognized and validated, not feeling to have the right to suffer. How can you focus on healing from a suffering that you don't even recognize?

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On 6/29/2018 at 1:35 PM, Ghostly Lilian said:

maybe we really feel the need to convince ourselves and others that what we went through was real bad and that anyone would have suffered, that we are justified, and that it's not just us being sensitive, making a drama over nothing and always doing and being wrong.

that is definitely a big component. Just yesterday mom and dad did just that. they said "the abuser was young it wasn't his fault"

i bet you know how bad that made me feel

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