I had to fly recently, which I hate but it wasn't until I was on the plane when I realized the main problem. I would have a layover in a state that I had never been to but my abuser lived in. I knew that it wouldn't happen, but even the .0001% chance was too much for me. I wanted to leave as soon as we could and never come back to this place.
Being close was too much, it feels ridiculous that just being in the same state as him again was enough to send me spiraling but it was. I was a wreck, and I couldn't tell anyone.
I was traveling with a group, a group who doesn't know my story other than that I was passionate about domestic violence and sexual assault laws, they never knew why.
Later in the trip, there was a party we attended, it was crowded loud and out of control. I stuck to the edges and stayed out of the action.
I am not claustrophobic just scared of being too close to someone.
I didn't use to be this way, I used to love to be near people, to be in a close circle with people. But that idea is too much most days. Some days I have a good day and I am in the right place to be close, but more often than not I am not.
I feel broken, brushing people off and getting angry when they don't understand. I know its not their fault.
It's not theirs, or mine
Or at least that's what they keep saying.
Everyone always tries to reassure me by telling me it isn't my fault but that isn't the problem, the problem is I still feel scared and unsafe to the point I push people away.
Everything feels too close, too close.