Jump to content
  • entries
    46
  • comments
    221
  • views
    7,331

Do not call me a survivor

Everyone calls me a survivor which pisses me off; i survived the horrific abuse, yayy me, now i am trying to survive the flashbacks, body memories, and not sleeping. Trying to survive being a whole wife, a wife who can be intimate with her husband without her fathers ghost voice in her ear, whispering i will always be his good girl, that i am going to be a great wife to someone some day and how lucky he has such a loving daughter. I know in the past i survived the rapes, the photo sessions, grandpa, but now i need to survive bathing myself without images of him masturbating while looking at me, survive trying on bathing suits that remind of him in the dressing room with me. leering at me as i try on suits, when i survive through a night without a thought being done, a thought i need to punish myself for not being who i can be, a better wife, mother, friend, then you can call me survivor, teleah



8 Comments


Recommended Comments

yes, teleah i would not call myself a survivor until I feel I'm ready to try a new identity w/o hurting myself. I also felt invalidated when people said i'm a survivor. I would fight them. Even though they thought they were being supportive.

showering is hard for me too

Share this comment


Link to comment

I get it. I have been struggling with being called a survivor, too. Here's hoping all the best for all of us to survive PTSD and all lingering issues that stem from the abuse. :hug:

Share this comment


Link to comment

(((((elisand and fallenstar))))))))), sorry you two can relate but so grateful you responded and made me feel not so alone, sending you thoughts of hope and healing, and of course safe huga, love teleah

Share this comment


Link to comment

I feel we are all survivors because we fight each moment to the next. Some days are a real fight to get through. But we do it.☺  thank you for sharing it's nice to know I'm not alone.  I'm sorry for all you have endured. Sitting with you. I find using bath  gloves help a little while bathing. Hope this is helpful.

Share this comment


Link to comment

This!!! I was chomping at the bit to get my registration complete because as I was reading, I felt this statement so much! I too am a victim of my father and I not a night goes by where I don't have some kind of flashback or don't sleep well, etc. I am also constantly struggling to be intimate with my husband and I struggle with feelings of shame when I like something that was tied to my abuse. It's hard. And the more I've chosen to deal with these issues, the more and more I have flashbacks, nightmares, intimacy issues, etc. It's like I'm being punished all over again for actually coming forward.

But I don't want to make your blog about me. And so I just wanted to let you know that I thank you so much for being so brave to write that and that I totally can relate and you are not alone. I think the term "survivor" is overplayed... but there's something to be said for the "fight" and for your doggedness in trying to keep going and live the normal life you deserve.

 

Quote

surrvived the horrific abuse, yayy me, now i am trying to survive the flashbacks, body memories, and not sleeping. Trying to survive being a whole wife, a wife who can be intimate with her husband without her fathers ghost voice in her ear, whispering i will always be his good girl, that i am going to be a great wife to someone some day and how lucky he has such a loving daughter

 

Edited by mrsteacher

Share this comment


Link to comment

Sorry you can relate, mrsteacher, incest is truly a horrible burden, thank you for responding, welcome to AS hope this site helps you with your journey towards wholeness and healing, Sending thoughts of hope and healing,love teleah

Share this comment


Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×