Why am I so fucking alone?
I exist like I'm on an island. In the middle of nowhere. An island that is uncharted and unexplored. Full of disgusting, deadly, and dangerous animals are creatures that the human mind can barely comprehend. Parasites that could kill you in an instant. Beasts that could swallow you whole. And I'm tasked with the sole task of survival.
Everyday, I see planes soar by overhead. I hear boats slowly cost by. And none of the people aboard even bother to give me a second glance.
When I was a child, I used to imagine myself being entirely alone. I would imagine I was on a stage in a completely empty, dark room. I could do anything I wanted. I could take a nap without the fear of anyone touching me or scream out all of my pain without fear of being heard. I wanted, so badly, for that to be my reality. That's all I wanted. I didn't have very many friends, so I could spend hours, alone, living in the fantasy.
Throughout my whole life, I got very good at pretending to be somewhere else. I could sit around in my room, and despite the fact my parents were screaming at one another so loudly I thought their heads would explode, or despite my body being thrashed around like some kind of sex toy, I could go somewhere else. I practiced it every time my parents argued. Or every time a bully at school decided today was my day to shine. I would go there. To that room.
But I don't want to be there anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore. I need people. I need someone.
Just one person is all it would take. One friend. That would survive on the island with me. Be my teammate in fighting any battle or dangerous, disgusting creature that came our way. And we would be happy to help one another. If they were starving, I would spare my food. And if I were dying they would step in to save me in battle.
It feels like no matter how close I get I'll never make it. No matter how far I extend outward I'll never touch it. I'll never get to feel what it's like to have someone there for me. I'll never understand what it's like to have someone there with me.
I exist alone. On an island or in a dark room. Alone, no matter where I go.
I could be in a huge crowd of people and I would still be completely and utterly fucking alone.
Why am I so alone?