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Sometimes

PearlofMary

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I want to journal the tough stuff in a safe place, a safe manner.  My life has been manipulated, pushed, pulled ... fried in so many ways...because of their beliefs.  Oh my, and Dear God ... help me, Lord

When I first came here, it seemed so dark and painful...truth it still does...and I long to help at least one victim here recover....but I don't know how to do that myself. 

Today, I worked on negative thoughts for myself to change and not let the vile bitterness of unworthy friends...eat me alive.  I have to.  I have one thing to ask.  Just Joy in the Lord...for what it's worth and a kind smile that says what I"ve done today meant something to someone.

My work takes me a long way from home...I'm not even sure I don't pay to do the work...it's minimum wage and a lot of gas...but I"ve never been happier with the clients I work for.  They are sufferers in need...and the greatest need is love.  My friend often tells me get a better paying job...that suits me.  This suits me...I NEED this.   My fear is the financial bottom dropping out before my ship comes in.  What ship?  I laugh a little at that...the pinta... whew long wait for that one.

God says it's coming and to trust in Him...so I will keep the faith and sing, "Jesus take the wheel" as often as I need.  I will make this a positive journey for me...in due time, I will.  In due time...



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I sometimes feel like chastising myself for the things I have done wrong....other times, I just want to celebrate the victories!  Like today, I did mow the lawn...5th time on a rider all life long.  It's scary for me....no 4 wheeler in the past, no tractor, no cycle...just me and this 'monster' lawn mower....on an uneven surface at times with waves of plain....I did it...and I got somewhere, it's not done...I stopped in the middle for a break and cried a bit, but I did it.  And I went out again to do more.  It sounds so wimpy...it is.  But I still think a little like a 5 year old inside.  Where the fear settled first... I took the challenge and I did it...  my best, at least.  I know when I return, I'll feel foolish and wonder how absolutely completely I humiliated myself by sharing.   But it's courage for another day, for either me or someone else.  I'm writing my first sermon...a life long dream.  Soon to come to fruition.   I maybe can't do some things, but this I can as long as the Holy Spirit leads...God bless - POM

 

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Rare that I stay up to clean  It seems like a woman thing.  I didn't like women for years.  Grandmas...ok.  Children yes, but women, I didn't like them at all.   Especially in make up.    I don't know for sure why.  I think it had something to do with the feel of it when I first tried to wear it.  I hated the mask.

Random thoughts of nothing...just calming by middle of the night cleaning frenzy to a quiet breath.  Thanks for listening....soon I will interact. -POM

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I've shared alot...not everything, here, as in other places.  It still scares me. to think 'they're out there'.  The family of peds...are out there and doing damage to me in here.   I'm so paranoid they see and hear.  I don't know who they are.  I know they're creepy people.  And worse, I may know them.  And only because I don't know for sure, I am 'nice' to them.  The daughter stared at me, not knowing I noticed and smirked.  She's older than I am, but once upon a time, the playing field was leveled and, if her, she was forced as I to do unspeakable things...only she was brainwashed worse than me.  Now she would be like her mother.  Perhaps a set of evil things in her life too.  I should say something, I can't.  No one listens to me. No one cares.  One person I trusted says, "Well, it's all in the past."  But I know now, she doesn't believe or care.  I shiver in spirit.  God help me. -POM

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Sometime life is painful.  Add a rape ...add another...add alcohol...become a w**re...oh crud...life kinda stinks.  No Ward & June life here.

 

Add God...it gets better, but I came face to face with their choices vs. my choices.  I made the mistakes, in spite of the "Why's" and the "who's and the "What fors"...I failed to read the bible and I suffered a little more...because Satan doesn't let it lie down and cry.  He attacks "IT"...the sinful creature...  Walk away and satan has to let go.

So long as you walk to God.

My pc erased a bit but the gist is still here.  Too heavey on the key board...that stinks too.

I think i know the "who' and i want so much to hate them.

ah well, I pray for them, too.

Bible study night...pray for me, if you know Jesus...or even if you only know OF Him.:blush:  Love POM

 

 

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Sometimes...I have clarity of mind.  Almost three years ago, I was made an outcast in my town.  I did not know why.  I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong.  It was a cold day in October and it remained cold until about a week ago.  My old friend came up and hugged me while a short time before, she, too, rejected me.  I'm ok now.  I'm stronger for it.  I still don't know why but I may have a clue. To exemplify...because of the diagnosis of schizo=affective disorder and the torment of a voice I didin't understand, I shut out the world.  No TV, no radio other than Christian, no secular books and no newspapers.   If my name made the newspaper, I wouldn't know it.  I reach out to the hurting souls...as much as I can...because I hurt.  Misery loves to help misery survive another day.  At least here.  Today, I realized what may have triggered. it.  I forgave a few young souls a crime.  I did so in writing.   I did the best I knew at the time.  Would I again?  Forgive them?  I think so...but not publically.  I don't know even if that's why.  I'm not sure it was public.  I feel ignorant.  God is so close now.  Yet so far..  I felt destitute and alone in the possibility of this consideration. It probably doesn't matter anymore.  Those who hate me, will probably always hate me.  Just as those who love me, may always love me.  Somedays Ail I want is to be 'liked'.  Even a little.  That's the little 5 year old in me facing amnesia and rejection like no other.   A few good friends is all one needs to survive this world...I suppose.  One good friend is more than our share, I once read.  I'm thankful I have Jesus in that capacity.  I don't even want to share all the details.  I want to push it away, put it down and move on.  But, because of the amnesia, maybe an extension of the brain washing, I don't always understand completely the situation.  Months even years later...I get it.  Thank God, He's got all of it and knows not only my past, but also the future and He has the blueprint of my life.  I live for eternity...but I have to do it one day at a time on earth.  Sometimes that's the scariest thing I have to do.  I found a hole in my car...possibly a bullet hole.  I didn't look too close lest my suspicions be made reality.  Clarity isn't always a good thing.  I'm not scared, just surprised...and alert.  My life is in Jesus...my hope is in the Lord.  I'm thankful for this place...this space to write about it all.   God bless! - POM

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BAM!!! SLamming a door, banging a cupboard,  beating a countertop....that's today.

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Very unsettled today.  I didn't take meds yesterday.  It's a love/hate war with them.  No reason.  Not addicting.  I don't like to be reliant on them.  I want my peace to be my peace, not synthetic.  I took it now and it'll be better soon.  I'm so thankful now for this site.  It seemed a little daunting at first...but the more the burden lifts, the more pain it seems to be.  I need to be near you..people who understand.   Others try...but dont.  I"m called Manic by people who don't know me as well as they think, a liar by family...people who should know better and stupid by the users in my life...the ones with sugar daddies and they want me to be their sugar friend.  ughh...makes me sick. ..the waste I've gone through.  In an effort to show them one thing...God.  They claim faith but they do not know the Father.  I'm done with that.  I'm done, done, done with that.  SHould I forget that it's here in my archives.  Love -POM

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I've been struggling for some time with an issue....let's just say Chocolate...and I stopped going there for a time...a couple of weeks.  Life was good.  Suddenly, it's all about chocolate again, literally.  I'm not ashamed or mad; just apathetic.  Yet I reconsider or briefly Consider my behavior before I do it.  tonight I read a note that made good sense.  "Our actions won't change, until we change our minds".  (Joyce Meyer, Battlefield of the Mind.)  I came to the conclusion, I'm afraid of an attack - spiritual attack.  Nearly as bad as a physical or verbal attack...it puts you on guard.  I don't want to be courageous but what other action can save lives? 

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