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Sometimes

PearlofMary

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I want to journal the tough stuff in a safe place, a safe manner.  My life has been manipulated, pushed, pulled ... fried in so many ways...because of their beliefs.  Oh my, and Dear God ... help me, Lord

When I first came here, it seemed so dark and painful...truth it still does...and I long to help at least one victim here recover....but I don't know how to do that myself. 

Today, I worked on negative thoughts for myself to change and not let the vile bitterness of unworthy friends...eat me alive.  I have to.  I have one thing to ask.  Just Joy in the Lord...for what it's worth and a kind smile that says what I"ve done today meant something to someone.

My work takes me a long way from home...I'm not even sure I don't pay to do the work...it's minimum wage and a lot of gas...but I"ve never been happier with the clients I work for.  They are sufferers in need...and the greatest need is love.  My friend often tells me get a better paying job...that suits me.  This suits me...I NEED this.   My fear is the financial bottom dropping out before my ship comes in.  What ship?  I laugh a little at that...the pinta... whew long wait for that one.

God says it's coming and to trust in Him...so I will keep the faith and sing, "Jesus take the wheel" as often as I need.  I will make this a positive journey for me...in due time, I will.  In due time...



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I sometimes feel like chastising myself for the things I have done wrong....other times, I just want to celebrate the victories!  Like today, I did mow the lawn...5th time on a rider all life long.  It's scary for me....no 4 wheeler in the past, no tractor, no cycle...just me and this 'monster' lawn mower....on an uneven surface at times with waves of plain....I did it...and I got somewhere, it's not done...I stopped in the middle for a break and cried a bit, but I did it.  And I went out again to do more.  It sounds so wimpy...it is.  But I still think a little like a 5 year old inside.  Where the fear settled first... I took the challenge and I did it...  my best, at least.  I know when I return, I'll feel foolish and wonder how absolutely completely I humiliated myself by sharing.   But it's courage for another day, for either me or someone else.  I'm writing my first sermon...a life long dream.  Soon to come to fruition.   I maybe can't do some things, but this I can as long as the Holy Spirit leads...God bless - POM

 

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Rare that I stay up to clean  It seems like a woman thing.  I didn't like women for years.  Grandmas...ok.  Children yes, but women, I didn't like them at all.   Especially in make up.    I don't know for sure why.  I think it had something to do with the feel of it when I first tried to wear it.  I hated the mask.

Random thoughts of nothing...just calming by middle of the night cleaning frenzy to a quiet breath.  Thanks for listening....soon I will interact. -POM

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I've shared alot...not everything, here, as in other places.  It still scares me. to think 'they're out there'.  The family of peds...are out there and doing damage to me in here.   I'm so paranoid they see and hear.  I don't know who they are.  I know they're creepy people.  And worse, I may know them.  And only because I don't know for sure, I am 'nice' to them.  The daughter stared at me, not knowing I noticed and smirked.  She's older than I am, but once upon a time, the playing field was leveled and, if her, she was forced as I to do unspeakable things...only she was brainwashed worse than me.  Now she would be like her mother.  Perhaps a set of evil things in her life too.  I should say something, I can't.  No one listens to me. No one cares.  One person I trusted says, "Well, it's all in the past."  But I know now, she doesn't believe or care.  I shiver in spirit.  God help me. -POM

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