tonysullivan's Blog

Good job getting that out!

It felt good to let some of my feelings out. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

I can't even imagine what it feels like to have your parent be your abuser. That's so sad, and I am sorry for what happened to you...but glad that he is no longer a factor in your life, physically speaking. Maybe someday the mental and emotional pain will die as well. Take care!

Thank you

The emotional pain is subsiding more and more everyday. My mother is still alive. She knows what I have been through, and it doesn't matter. She was sexually abusive as well as physically and emotionally damaging. She has told me about everything and everyone in her life that has made her feel like a piece of shit. This is from age two on. I can remember her telling me about her being gang rapped outside the home, while being married to my father who also did the same in the home. (It's not like I didn't see him doing most of this shit either) She would come to me beaten, battered, naked and crying after my father would have his way and I would hold and comfort her, while HELLO I am living in this shit too.I was being molested, not only at home but up the street at a neighbors house. And my mother raised me to only know that sex brought about babies. Nothing else. So while being tormented I tried to make sure that no one impregnated me. I figured "if I do it in the butt that doesn't happen, they wouldn't be able to get me pregnant." I remember telling one of my abusers, "no because I will get in trouble" not no I cant do this but hey take another route so I don't get found out. So while it's great my horrible father is no longer in physical existence, beside the pain he caused, she has caused me constant grief as well. She told me when I let her know a few years ago that I finally woke up and had been abused by the both of them she said as a blanket statement "you still haven't forgiven me for that? When god's day comes just like ya father would say to me..I will get whats coming." She hurts me so much. She believes its ok to have done all that and just figures I will maintain blindly loving her. I have not spoke to or seen her in like a year I believe (and it's been rough) but I am so much better off for it. I would love to express how I feel towards her and she hear ANYTHING I am saying, but I have tried and tried and to no avail. I even contemplated having her at my wedding a lil while ago. Couldn't have made a better to decision not to. It was small and neither one of us had parents in attendance, but all we wanted and needed was one another, and those who deserved to be part of such a special, much awaited day. My husband supports me fully in whatever I want to do concerning her and I as far as relationships go, but I feel I have already done so much of the hard work (trying to let go and move on) that without recourse and effort on her part, I can't foresee a healthy "mother daughter" bond. I lay wake wondering if she's ok. I wished for her to have a good life in spite of the one she lead. I crave having a mother that loves me and is so proud of me for all that I have done and will do in life. I want a mother that loves the fact that I found someone in this world that is everything a good man could be and more,regardless of the way I was raised. I want her to know that I beat the fucking odds of this spirit crushing past of mine, and live everyday grateful to just be alive. I have been so excruciatingly sad, mad, confused, and dismayed, that I am at the point where the pain is driven by motivation to stay happy. Of course it's rough but I went through their torture for 20+ years, just being free of needing to love them so strongly lifts a tremendous weight off my shoulders. I truly understand that I do not have to love them just because they did not and do not know how to love me.

Sorry for the rant guys. Guess I got a lot of things I need to say to someone.

<3 I am here for you