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It has been awhile...

aperson

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So....I havent updated this in a long time. A few reasons for that.

First, after almost 7 years, I resigned from my job. The people I worked with in my office were mostly great. My boss was definitely my top boss ever. She had what I lack in the people area and I had the operational stuff down. Having the most tenure on my account helped a lot. At the end of the day, several things caused me to throw in the towel. I was way overworked and underpaid. I was putting in about 60 hours a week. I was sleeping about 3-4 hours a night. I was burned out and the workload was not getting any better. Because my account team is based in the UK, I started getting emails before I woke up each day. They didnt let up until the early evening US time. I was stretched and stressed beyond normal levels. Because the US company was being poorly managed, my agents were leaving left and right. The moral at the site was the lowest I have ever seen. No pay raises in more than 3 years and horrible benefits. The recruiting team was a disaster for the quality of applicants and their process.

Anyway, the final straw came with layoffs in leadership positiins at the end of March. Now they werent getting raises and no opportunity to advance. They were evn laying off my boss. There were many talks with HR before and after this but nothing changed. No new business and no changes in workload. So I gave my notice. It saved myboss her job. Now she sees the pain I endured for 5 years. I now work in the same building but on another floor and for a different company. I see her daily. The other day we literally had the same conversation from 7 months ago but in reverse. She was on the verge of tears feeling like she was a failure. We laughed at the role change but she understood what I was saying to her now. So I still help her out but as an 'advisor' only. 

My new job is challenging. I am clueless right now and worried. Keeping the job requires a federal license. I dont feel able to pass the test right now. It all sounds like blah blah blah. The others claim they are getting it. My trainer said sometimes you have a look like what the hell. I told him I was probably thinking that but I am trying.

One thing I have come to realuze is the old job kept me from having to think so much about my own issues. There just wasnt enough time in the day to think of myself. Now, I got plenty of time and thats all I do. This cycle is frustrating and hard. I am suppised to think about it to acknowledge my feelings. Tgat is supposed to help me verbalize them and nit internalize them. I am supposed to be forgiving them and myself. I am supposed to be moving forward and releasing the hold of fear. What is really happening us cycles of depression. I am emotionally stunted. An adult with emotiinal state of a 7 yr old. Feeling like the child who is still learning what I feel and when or if I am free to express them. I am stagnate. Stuck. I hear and read about techniques to help me move forward but I am still in that place. The one where you are still at step 1 of a 12 step process. I am so inhibited that I feel like I am shutting down all emotions, happy or sad. I pray for deliverance of this part of me. I dont see anything that has changed. We went to a church revival today and if I wasnt distracted by my own thoughts, I was trying to decide which emtion to expres while the preacher gave her sermon. I understoid what she was saying and it touched my. But all I could do was stare mindlessly. By the time I decide on a reaction, the moment is gone.

I am losing what little bit of myself I have. I dont think GOD is hearing my prayers. 



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