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My deepest, darkest secret.

AllyHatter

Entry posted by AllyHatter ·

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To whom it may concern,

I sort of have this secret that no one knows about me but it's something that really bothers me and that is honestly a huge part of my depression. Seven years ago, when I was raped, I got pregnant. I was a 13 year old who was pregnant. Here's the kicker. I didn't know I was pregnant until a week later when I got really bad pain in my stomach and went to the bathroom and found blood and stuff. It scared me but I was smart enough to know not to go to my parents. They are very religious and would have disowned me...

So instead I told my mom I felt weird, I was throwing up and wanted to go to the hospital cause it was night time and all the clinics were closed and I just needed the pain to go away right now. She dropped me at the door and told me to call her when I was done. I knew she wouldn't come with me. I went to the nurse, who I knew because I was in the hospital quite a lot (heart problems) and told her I needed her help as soon as possible. It was an emergency and I couldn't tell my parents. She was a friend and promised she wouldn't say anything. I may have lied to her about how I got pregnant but the point is she knew what my parents would do if they found out. 

She thought it was strange a relatively healthy young girl would have a miscarriage so she ordered a full pelvic exam, which I hated of course, blood work, the works. I was told a few days later that I not only had a low egg count...which made it next to impossible to get pregnant in the first place, but my uterus was malformed. It would never form. It's this weird defect. In a span of a few weeks, I was raped, I lost my first child, and I was told I could never be a mother. 

 To this day it makes me feel so empty inside. I feel broken. The primal reason for my existence is to pop out babies. It's what women are made for. I can't even do that. To this day, I morn my unborn child.

I imagine sometimes it would have been a baby girl. Blond hair, blue eyes, named Alora. I always loved that name. She would have the cutest laugh and a smile that would brighten the whole world. I imagine teaching her piano and painting with her and dancing with her in the middle of Wal-Mart like a crazy person haha. 

But then I start to imagine how her life really would have been like...

Not the fantasy I want but the reality of the world. A disowned 13 year old with no home or money, trying to raise a little baby that depends solely on me. And let's say I did that. I managed to find a job, an apartment, maybe my brother took me in for a few months...what about when she gets older. What happens when she asks me who her father is. What happens if I were to look at her and see him. Dark hair and green eyes and a smirk that sends shivers down my spine....I would love her unconditionally but a small part of me would be scared of who she would become, how she would feel, how she would react if she knew how she came to be my daughter. 

 A part of me is glad that child would never get to live that life. Knowing your father raped your mother and that's why your here. The pain it could have brought her...hurts me even now to think about it. 

Anyways, there it is folks, my darkest secret. The time I almost had a beautiful baby and instead found out I would never have one.

Sincerely yours,

Alice.

3 Comments

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Joltin Joe DiMaggio

Hi Alice, I want you to know that you are not alone. I am writing this response to tell you that you have successfully shared this secret, and to share with you my feelings of sorrow that such a horrific experience happened to you, and to hope that you will be comforted in knowing that this is the natural and gut reaction of any sensitive person who leads of your story.

I would further like to suggest to you that perhaps you might consider yourself supported by many, many people out there. So many people would reach out to support you, if they only knew. 

Consider the public mental health awareness events and lectures that communities hold, presenting different approaches, stories, and advice. This means the community is concerned for you.

So please feel in a very real way, that you are, in fact, supported. We would all like to provide emotional nourishment to all those who have suffered through such disruptive, torturous hurt. Please understand that you really walk shoulder to shoulder, every day, with people that are broadcasting, if silently, their concern for their fellow human beings who have suffered and are still suffering the lingering effects of past trauma. Feel the words and rays and waves of comfort, of emotional understanding, of shared understanding, that we send out constantly to those who are in pain. Read these words over and over, play them again and again in your mind, and allow yourself this healing feeling of absolute and unconditional sorry, warmth, and love.

 

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AKB

I'm so sorry that this happened to you and that you've been holding in this secret for so long. Sending healing thoughts and safe hugs if ok. :hug:

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