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Feeling pathetic

Survive95

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I’m having such a bad night I just wish it could be over with already!! I just wish I didnt have to feel this depression I’m feeling. Like I’m so down in a funk and I can’t get out. I hate not being able to talk to anyone about it. I know I can call someone but I don’t want to be a bother to them. I don’t want them to feel like I’m a burden or I’m pestering them about my stupid problems. I keep trying to push through all these feelings and I just end up finding myself sitting on the couch crying. I wish I could just shut off all my emotions and just act like everything is okay there’s no hurt there’s no pain there’s no depression there’s nothing. I hate that my mind keeps going back to all the abuse I’ve dealt with all the neglect all the physical abuse all the sexual abuse and rape and the running and the sleeping around and all the drugs and all the cutting and all the other stupid crap I’ve done and all the other stuff I’ve had to deal with. I feel overwhelmed like I can’t manage to eat I can’t manage to sleep I can hardly take care of my own kids. It’s getting bad tonight but I’m trying my best to push through it until both kids are sound asleep. I don’t want them to see me freak out or to see me sitting her pathetically crying on the couch. I don’t want them to see how unstable I truly am. It’s so hard to deal with the unpleasant presence I feel like someone is standing here watching fail watching me be weak and just laughing at me. I feel like I have to be strong for the sake of me. But why can’t someone else be strong for me? Why do I always have to be strong for me and everyone around me?? Why can’t I just have flaws for once? Why can’t I just be the irresponsible person I want to be sometimes? Why can’t I have a break? Why can’t I just be a happy normal 22 year old girl who hangs out with friends and who isn’t paranoind about leaving home or even paranoid just to walk to her car? I guess these are all questions I will never get an answer to. This is the moment I’ve been dreading for a while now. This is the moment I have to gain some balls and finally talk about it. 



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So sorry to see you are having such a hard time of it, Survive. A lot of this is bound not to be easy with all the components involved. You sort of sound like me in some ways not wanting to be a bother toward anyone else. I know in general at least it's not an easy feeling at all to have. I'm trying to see that those who care about me are there because of their own volition. So thus it is not maybe possible that I'm actually being a burden to them even if things may feel that way to my own self.

It would be nice to shut our minds down and stop thinking even for a mere moment or two. Yet there truly is no break from any of this. It's all around seemingly in one way or another from what it can seem like at least. Not having control over our own mind can be quite a challenge. Especially when we may feel rather vulnerable after having lost that same control during our traumatic experiences. It is not easy getting back what has been lost.

I am so sorry you are having trouble with getting through a moment from what it sounds like let alone even a day. Especially bound to be more of a challenge with others you happen to be responsible for. Please know that tears do not always have to be a bad thing. You are brave wanting to hide them from your kids. Yet please also realize you are human and feelings are sometimes bound to be raw. Sometimes even not all that pleasant. That does not make them any less easy. Nor not as important. All of what you are experiencing is simply nothing other than real.

Any kind of getting things out gives us the opportunity at least to try making some sense of what may not seem to make it at all. Please know there are sincere souls out there who really will be able to relate in general that can try making things seem just a little less lonely.

:luck:

 

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Thank you for your kind words and understanding. It’s been crazy lately and I feel so lonely most of the time. just knowing that you read it makes me feel better like someone actually cares 

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