I'm guilty of being insecure.. I know I am. My boyfriend knows I am.
Yesterday, I texted him, "I can't do this anymore." He texted me that we should talk in person.
We met up at a sushi restaurant.. I thought he was gonna buy me dinner, but come to find out, he wanted to talk there over some drinks. I told him this wasn't the place for it, because I could end up crying..
So after we finished our drinks, we went out to his car to talk.
I talked about my problem with the girl on his FB, he told me that I am the one he's with, and that the only thing we fight about in the 7 months we've been together is about Facebook. He said I shouldn't worry, and that I do have nothing to worry about.
I started tearing up... He held my hand. I looked over at him and it looked like he was about to cry.
I wanted so badly for him to say he loves me, but right there, in that moment, I could see it on his face. Love.
"I don't want to quit on us."
I started crying and he held me, telling me not to cry. Begging me to not to cry. In that moment, it seemed like everything that I was worried and paranoid over just seemed minuscule... I realized I was being irrational.
He asked me to come over and cuddle, and I agreed, even though he would have to get up around 4:30am.
We got back to his house and went to bed, and just laid in each other's arms.
Every kiss felt perfect. That moment felt perfect.
Waking up was hard; he kept hitting snooze and cuddling me.
I realized in those moments how much I do love this man, and I want to be with him.
As he got ready for work, and we went out to our cars to go our separate ways, we kissed and hugged. There was an awkward pause, where I thought he would say it... but nothing, and it was perfectly okay with that.
I realized yesterday that my severe mood swings - from crying and breaking down, to being tempted to hurt myself, to just feeling dead inside.. is rapid cycling.
My bipolar disorder.
I took two 75mg pills today of my medicine, instead of just one. I think an increase is needed. Tomorrow, I see my therapist... I hope we have a long talk.