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Bird

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AlyssaLane

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Do any of you ever wish that maybe you could just leave? Not just your surroundings but your body. Just leave your entire self behind. I just always feel so trapped. My weird feelings about wanting to leave myself often make me so uncomfortable I refuse look in mirrors. I don't look at my own body in the shower. I get anxious trying to sleep at night because all I can feel is my own body-- this weird sense of self awareness that I can't get rid of. That's literally the weirdest kind of thing to have to admit and I don't even think I've completely described the feeling. I've such an uneasy, fearful feeling. Honestly, and this is probably too much, but I usually get it when I take off my bra. I don't know why but in those moments I just want to fucking disappear. 

 I've always felt that if I were any animal, I would be a bird. I would be a bird because birds can fly away whenever they want. They can go wherever they want. Do whatever they want. What they lack in intelligence they make up for in spirit. Additionally, birds are never really alone. They come in flocks. They travel in groups. I, however, am always alone. I'm everyone's last resort. I'm always the cancelled plan or the back-up friend. I'm the last person you think to text. And when I text you-- you groan and put the phone away. You ignore me. Everyone ignores me. Everyone hates me. I don't blame them, honestly. I hate me, too. 

If I could pick any bird, it would be a seagull. I know they're just huge assholes (me) but hear me out. They live in warmth and safety their whole lives. I've only been the beach about 3 times; and when I stood on the shore and looked out at the ocean horizon, for the first time in 5 years (at that time), my mind was drawn a blank. I wasn't thinking about all of my problems.I wasn't thinking about what had happened to me. I wasn't thinking about how afraid I was. I was thinking about the impact we could have in the world. Like, my feet were moving the sand and in all technicality, the sand will never be exactly the same again. It will NEVER fall in the same place exactly like it had before I touched it. My footprints may wash away but the sand will never lay like it once had before.

I think people are, sometimes, like sand.

I sometimes still think about this girl, who I didn't even know that told me, after hearing me call myself trash, that I wasn't trash. That I should never call myself trash. That I was beautiful. On my worst days, I still think of that girl. She probably wasn't even thinking when she said that. She probably walked away embarrassed. She probably thought herself to be silly and intrusive. But I still think of her. 

Anyway, if I could capture the peace I felt on that beach forever, I would. I would do it. I would fly around above the ocean everyday. I would look around and be with other seagulls. I would be at peace and I would never really be alone.

I'm always so alone. And I'm always so afraid. 

-Lane. 

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You write beautifully. I think you are an amazing person who has had the opportunity to flourish into herself damaged by experiences and that has coloured all the following perceptions. People don’t hate you. Some will love you. Some will be indifferent but hate takes a lot of energy. People seldom do hate really. Normal people. The problem is for me my normal marriage wasn’t normal. I wasn’t loved I was used abd the abuse didn’t stop with SA - control and emotional abuse led me to believe everyone hated me. I read too much into everything and anytime I felt hurt by rejection was encouraged by him to do so until I became isolated from family and friends feeling angry they didn’t want me but actually I had put up walls. I had pushed away based on the manipulation of the perpetrator. I dreamt repeatedly of being a butterfly with only a day to live crashing against a glass window. I could see a garden beyond but could never have be free. The seagull tells me your soul longs to soar, and it will. You’re a beautiful soul. Your body has been mistreated you may even feel it has betrayed you (tho I may be projecting my issues) but it’s part of you. Through it you feel the joy of the ocean and the sand. The warmth of the sun. Don’t reject yourself or believe automatically that others do. Let  that beautiful mind write what she wants to write. You are definitely so much more than you know. But honestly, you are destined to soar.

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Thank you so much for saying that. I'm sorry that you felt that way but I hope that things can someday be better for you. 

I think one day that your soul will be soar, too. 

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