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It's been awhile



I haven't been on this site in about a month. Way too long I would say. I have had a few very dark days and just white knuckled it, as alcoholics say. Crushing sadness and panic are the main ideas. I have been having trouble getting over the fact that my exhusband truly loved me and I now have someone who isn't really sure how to love because he never has loved anyone, not even himself. He is freaking out about being a father, the closer my due date gets, the stranger he acts. It is difficult to be with someone a lot like you in a lot of ways when it's the bad points that are similar. There's no balance. I always end up being the rock, the one dependable spot in the storm. Where is my rock? On who do I lean when I am too weak to stand? As usual in my life I have no one but me. No one could carry the burdens i do I guess, considering I have practice carrying not only my own but many other people's at once. I wonder if I am a masochist at heart. I thought he was strong, it was one reason I agreed to open my heart again in the first place. I am discovering that most of the things that attracted me to him were lies or exaggerations to accomplish his end of being with me. While I understand not believing that anyone can accept the true self at the beginning, I feel bamboozled, tricked, misled. Mutual respect and understanding builds trust and communication. We have none of that. I am debating leaving or staying to work harder on a relationship than i ever have, all while not knowing if i want to. Do i love someone who doesnt exist? More later... Need to process... 

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Ex Dancer, welcome back! The great thing about a place like this may be it's always around when we're ready. It does not really go away and gets that we may need that space and time away at times. I am so sorry though to see what you're going through right now. I'm perhaps at that same exact place on this end though which you happen to speak of. Or at the very least maybe a very similar one. It is such a challenge to love another when we are still hardest on our own selves. I imagine it must be incredibly hard and then some on a partner who chooses to stay by our side. One of the things I need to get so much better at is recognizing the needs and wants with that other individual. Instead of only thinking about my own.

I can see why he would freak out though if there's a lack of love toward even his own self. That can perhaps seem like quite the responsibility to be exact. The fact he is worried about it though suggests that he's one who truly cares. Though you having to be the rock is bound to take it's toll I am guessing. That is quite a lot on your plate as well. Not that there always needs to be a scorecard per-se. Yet there should be something you are getting out of everything as well. It is a beautiful balance which perhaps you seek. If only it was easy to find. 

My ex feels that same thought of being misled. I'm realizing I was not totally forward with her either. Not on purpose, per-se. My heart was in the right place. It's just that our minds and bodies may not always match with that. This I am sure was a result of so many past abuses that came to me. So who I want to be did not always pan out with the person really there. Still, this not knowing how to love cannot hold going forward I feel as a result. There comes a time in which one has to take responsibility for being and doing better. That is where I happen to be at.

That question of what to do now is not an easy one to try processing. It sounds like honestly you may be torn at this point. Wanting to stay and loving him. Yet also intent on protecting your own self as well. So as to get back some of what you're giving. You likely are a giving soul. Yet it cannot be all that either. The best relationships give something to the other. That is what I am starting to realize.

The only one who can really decide is you. Please know that you are not to blame for any of what's made him fail loving his own self. Though you also care and want to maybe be around. I would suggest maybe consider making a pro-con chart so as to weigh your feelings and thoughts in an organized manner. So much of this is very intense from what it sounds like and that written word may help you with considering a decision going forward.


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