I haven't been on this site in about a month. Way too long I would say. I have had a few very dark days and just white knuckled it, as alcoholics say. Crushing sadness and panic are the main ideas. I have been having trouble getting over the fact that my exhusband truly loved me and I now have someone who isn't really sure how to love because he never has loved anyone, not even himself. He is freaking out about being a father, the closer my due date gets, the stranger he acts. It is difficult to be with someone a lot like you in a lot of ways when it's the bad points that are similar. There's no balance. I always end up being the rock, the one dependable spot in the storm. Where is my rock? On who do I lean when I am too weak to stand? As usual in my life I have no one but me. No one could carry the burdens i do I guess, considering I have practice carrying not only my own but many other people's at once. I wonder if I am a masochist at heart. I thought he was strong, it was one reason I agreed to open my heart again in the first place. I am discovering that most of the things that attracted me to him were lies or exaggerations to accomplish his end of being with me. While I understand not believing that anyone can accept the true self at the beginning, I feel bamboozled, tricked, misled. Mutual respect and understanding builds trust and communication. We have none of that. I am debating leaving or staying to work harder on a relationship than i ever have, all while not knowing if i want to. Do i love someone who doesnt exist? More later... Need to process...