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My Depression

AllyHatter

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To whom it may concern,

I've been sitting here, staring at this screen for over five minutes. I'm not sure what to write. I feel low. I feel myself slipping more and more these past few days. I was on top of the world with a man who loved me a few days ago. I was finally feeling okay and starting to believe I was more then just a victim. More then just this piece of shit no one bothers to even look at. 

Today, I feel like every inch of my physical pain is just what I deserve. I...am just...I don't know. I feel pretty empty. Unfeeling. Just completely done...I want to talk to my boyfriend but I have no energy or will to pick up that phone. I want to scream from the roof top and beg for help but...I don't wanna make a scene. I don't wanna bother anyone. 

Let's get one thing straight, although I do believe my death would just be another day and wouldn't truly affect anyone's life, I don't want to hurt myself. I won't hurt myself. I am not going to end my own life. I am not able to do that. Although others might not miss me, I would miss them. There are so many people I wanna see grow and be the people I know they can be! My sister recently got accepted to medical school. She wants to be a forensic anthropologist. She's only 17! My brother just had a baby last year and his wife has gone back to school to be a teacher! I wanna see them succeed because they deserve to. My boyfriend is getting physical therapy for his back injury and will soon be able to work again. There's so much I wanna live to see. 

That doesn't mean I don't feel empty and dead inside. That doesn't mean I can help closing myself off to the world. It feels like here is the only place I can still manage to communicate but I apologize if that changes. I can't go on Facebook or on my phone or even watch TV anymore. I just want to crawl into a ball and sleep away the days. But I won't. I have to work and I can't call in sick again though I do feel very sick. My stomach hurts, my head is pounding like you wouldn't believe and my neck and back feel like I may never stand again. I know I will be fine though. A few muscle relaxants, a few pain meds, maybe a shot of vodka...actually, scratch the alcohol. I will not be turning into my uncle who solves everything with alcohol and medication. But I'm still taking those meds. I need them to be able to make it through work tonight. Please don't judge me... 

Sincerely yours,

Alice.



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