I’ve been in and out of my sleep all night crying and  trying to process everything. I’m not crying like hard like balling my eyes out it’s like a silent cry ig you can say. I’ve cried so much that my head hurts and I can’t seem to stay asleep. I just want to be okay. I know yesterday was a big step but man I feel like I’m starting all over from the beginning. Like I’m having to find different ways to heal which I’m okay with. I want to be able to heal the right way this time and not want to cut or pop pills or whatever stupid thing I decide to do at he time. I want to be able to live my life and nothing seem to bother me. I want to actually be as strong as I portray myself to be. Everyone seems to tell me I’m strong but as soon as I get home I’m a complete mess. I can keep my shit together in public but at home everything seems to disappear. I just want to sleep for longer then an hr and get some rest. I feel so unglued and I’m flying myself back together slowly and with with better glue this time.