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I am not a Phoenix

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rsilver15

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Well you know what they say about the best laid plans... I have planned for so many things, I have wanted so much that never seems to come about.  I wanted to get a certain job, I wanted to lose weight before a big trip, I wanted a boyfriend or at least a not disastrous sexual experience, and I wanted to live by the ocean.  I wanted to learn to surf and marry a wealthy, funny, handsome, kind gentleman.  

Whats more I wanted a dad I could love, one who would surprise me with pancakes and be supportive but protective of me with boys.  One who would teach me how a man should treat a woman and not to be afraid of love or intimacy, of trusting people in general.  I wanted friends who wouldn't leave when things were tough.  I wanted an older brother who would tease me and teach me about cars and never think any boy was good enough for his baby sister.  I wanted a mom who would be my friend second and my mother first, who would show me how to value myself and make good decisions... I wanted a lot of things but I think, what I have to believe anyway, is that I got what I needed instead.  I have to hope that my life is happening the way it is supposed to, for reasons I don't know now and may never understand.  But regardless, it is happening - things are growing in me, changing and adapting and reconfiguring.  I may not have risen from my trauma like a Phoenix, but I sure as hell am making my way out of the ashes.  And whatever I am, whatever I turn out to be, it will be worth it.  

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Hi! I'm new here and just read your post. Wow! You have put to words so many of my feelings. I'm trying to make my way and hold on to the little ember of joy and glee I can still feel . I'm finding the good days are fewer and farther apart now and am trying to figure out why. Any suggestions? I've tried yoga, meditation, gratitude journal, counselling ..I do tend to stop when I'm in one of my funks though. I have every reason to be happy and grateful and content but ... I'm just not. 

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On 4/11/2018 at 7:49 AM, TEP said:

Hi! I'm new here and just read your post. Wow! You have put to words so many of my feelings. I'm trying to make my way and hold on to the little ember of joy and glee I can still feel . I'm finding the good days are fewer and farther apart now and am trying to figure out why. Any suggestions? I've tried yoga, meditation, gratitude journal, counselling ..I do tend to stop when I'm in one of my funks though. I have every reason to be happy and grateful and content but ... I'm just not. 

Hi TEP!  Well, first of all, welcome to AS - I am glad you are here!!  I totally understand what you mean about stopping things when you get in a funk.  That happens to me all the time - I get in a good routine or rhythm with things, and then something hits me and its like..well, back to square one, I guess?  But I think something I've learned is that it's not square one, really; every time you try something, even if it doesn't work or you stop, you are still working towards something and you are still making progress.  And that helped me because it used to be, when that would happen I would feel so bad and guilty about being in a funk that it made the funk worse and it was harder to get out of it...I've started to try and accept that it is ok to feel bad, and it is ok to be down sometimes and to not do yoga or to not journal or whatever it is you think you should be doing.  Sometimes we just have to feel our way through something, and know that we can come back to the rest of our lives when we're ready.  

That said, I don't know what you're going through, specifically, or what your goals are, but I think the most important thing is that you are trying - you are here, and you are looking for ways to feel better.  There is so much out there, and in some ways I think you just kind of have to try a bunch of stuff and see what feels helpful for you, because we are all different and have different experiences and what works for me may seem really silly to you lol!  Personally, therapy has been really helpful for me, but specifically more body-centered therapy like EMDR and things like that.  

My biggest advice though is to be kind and be gentle with yourself - you are doing something incredibly difficult and you are doing it beautifully, even if it doesn't seem that way right now!!  And also, the people on this site are very supportive and are a great resource.  I hope that's helpful!!! 

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Firstly, thank you; You have a lovely way with words and I appreciate your response. 
   I am just bumbling through , trying things, considering other's suggestions and keeping the things that work for me at the time. I have grown so much in this past year and am eager for more. I want to quiet the negativity and chaos whirling in my mind ; it's exhausting having to smile and look pleasant all the time. I will have to google EMDR as I have not a clue what that is. 

 

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