Well you know what they say about the best laid plans... I have planned for so many things, I have wanted so much that never seems to come about. I wanted to get a certain job, I wanted to lose weight before a big trip, I wanted a boyfriend or at least a not disastrous sexual experience, and I wanted to live by the ocean. I wanted to learn to surf and marry a wealthy, funny, handsome, kind gentleman.
Whats more I wanted a dad I could love, one who would surprise me with pancakes and be supportive but protective of me with boys. One who would teach me how a man should treat a woman and not to be afraid of love or intimacy, of trusting people in general. I wanted friends who wouldn't leave when things were tough. I wanted an older brother who would tease me and teach me about cars and never think any boy was good enough for his baby sister. I wanted a mom who would be my friend second and my mother first, who would show me how to value myself and make good decisions... I wanted a lot of things but I think, what I have to believe anyway, is that I got what I needed instead. I have to hope that my life is happening the way it is supposed to, for reasons I don't know now and may never understand. But regardless, it is happening - things are growing in me, changing and adapting and reconfiguring. I may not have risen from my trauma like a Phoenix, but I sure as hell am making my way out of the ashes. And whatever I am, whatever I turn out to be, it will be worth it.