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Thought I Was Beyond What Happened Yesterday, Aug. 28, 2013



Yesterday can only be described as a very bad day for me. I found myself standing next to my husbands side of the bed, where his 45 mm hangs in it's holster, locked and loaded and beckoning to me to take it out, point it at my head and blow the damn thing off. Better off dead, than to have to live with the constant guilt over what will never change-my failure as a mother.

There was also some degree of self pity involved; one day past my 60th birthday, and zero of my 4 children even acknowledged it. All I could think was "it serves me right".

I thought these types of days were long gone, especially after being prescribed Prozac 6 years ago after a similar incident of self imposed "punishment" for my sins, my crimes. The self affliction- breaking things, punching myself and yelling "I hate you" and "f**k you" at my reflection in the mirror, brings little if no relief to my tortured mind.

This very bad day was exacerbated by the fact that I have not heard from my son since I told him he can't stay here, after he got his power shut off for non-payment, lost his job and is numbing himself with prescription meds to try to escape reality. I am afraid for him...his dad tried to kill himself and I have entertained the idea a few times myself. I am afraid he feels like he simply has nothing to live for, that he has blown his chance to be a happy and productive person...that life is just to hard and too hurtful.

I'm pretty sure I need to be back in therapy, since things have surfaced from the past that are troubling. I am suffering, my mind is putrefied and is poisoning my spirit. I have no energy...and I am back to being flat in my affect. That's the worst of all. I can't feel anything. Except guilty.


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I don't know you,but I'm glad you didn't do it.

I felt like I was reading my own words here.I could so totally relate.

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Thank you Sarkasm. I'm glad I didn't do it also. I just can't put that kind of a burden on my loved ones...I hope you find some peace in the midst of your struggles.

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I'm please as well to see you didn't do it :)

You have failed as a mother only if you QUIT! No matter how far gone you think your situation is, if you still love your son you will continue to try, and will succeed at being a better mother. No matter what blocks you, find a way! Be direct when upset with yourself and demand change.Replace your lack of self esteem with motivation to live a better life. No one is going to make you feel better about yourself but you. no one is going to understand your pain in a way you do but you. Use your therapist as an aid but the end result it all up to you. At the same time you will be showing how you care for and love your family, but want nothing but the best for them, bringing it to a complete circle, ending with you being and giving your family the best you. Your son will then see there isn't just pain in living but beauty to behold. I am speaking from experience. I'm a few years shy of 30 (and have been through more than I care to remember) and my 65 year old mother quit everything substance abuse wise cold turkey roughly 15 plus years ago. I guess she felt that was all she needed to do. Well.... It landed me with a sober mother who claims to know and says she has been horrible but will do absolutely nothing to change it. Acknowledgement is the first step but the follow-up is most important. I hope I wasn't rude or disrespectful in any way. Keep ya head up!

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tonysullivan...thank you, I need to hear, and what's more take to heart what you are saying. For someone not yet 30 years old, there is much wisdom in your words, and I will do my best to follow-up with what is necessary in bringing healing to each one of my children's lives. They deserve better than what they got from me, and I intend to give what I can...time, energy and most of all love.

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I have felt that as well and am glad I didn't. gentle hugs if o.k.

Thanks for the hugs...take one for yourself :)

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