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Anniversary Has Me Reflecting

jaded_chaos

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Twelve Years ago.

I was having an uncharacteristically good day. I was 20 years old. I skipped my classes, like always. Went to therapy that afternoon where someone in the waiting room gave me a balloon. After, I decided to go for a walk. It was a warm sunny day. I took the balloon. On my walk, I gave the balloon to a small child I saw riding her bike with her parents. It felt good to do something nice for someone.

I went back to my dorm apartment. Sat down at my computer. Saw an old high school friend was online. I had secretly loved him for 4 years of the six we'd known each other. I decided to take a chance. It was very unlike me. But I was feeling confident this day. I messaged him and confessed my love for him. I figured it was not or never. He was at a college hours away. I knew if I never told him how I felt, we would eventually drift apart forever and I'd never get the chance.

It was very difficult pressing enter and then seeing he was typing a response.

"What took you so long, woman! I love you too!"

Listening to Kelly Clarkson, A Moment Like This....which sums up that moment well. Neither of us knew it at the time, this day 12 years ago, but that was the first time of many we would express our love for each other.

We just did a little over an hour ago. As he always calls me when he gets to work to wish me a good day and tell me he loves me.

Oh, how far we have come. How far I have come. How much I have grown. I had no idea that this man would give me something I never had before...unconditional love and support...and that would give me the strength to begin to heal and blossom into who I am today. Could I have done it without him? Maybe so. But not as quickly.

I've been struggling a lot with PTSD, depression, and anxiety lately. But I keep pushing myself. I keep trying to fight the negative voices. He wraps his arms around me and immediately I feel a sense of calm and can fight them better. When I've been at rock bottom, he shone the light for me to find my way. When I've been doing well, he encourages me and was there to enjoy it with me.

It was my choice to work hard and progress and heal and learn the coping skills. But he has always been there to support my decisions and catch me when I fell.

I am a Survivor. And he, my amazing Secondary Survivor. It has not been easy for either of us.

Yet here we are. No one thought we'd make it. But they underestimated the strength of us together.

I am strong. I survived. I didn't give up. I won't start now.

Happy Anniversary to my best friend. My hero. My biggest fan. I am not going to let my mind cloud this day. This day is too important. Too happy. We have had so many lows and not enough highs. But we made it. For being in our early 30s, 12 years is a long time. The next 12 will be even better. <3

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