Elliott's Blog

Hello there,

I came from an impoverished home, and was sexually abused by my parents as well. While I was a little girl from the ghetto, I never viewed children in your demographic as safe from such things in the home, I never thought about it honestly. (As an adult though, trust my eyes are wide open. It matters none, if your parents choose to do this unfortunately there isn't much anyone else can do about it. Laws are coming into play more and more but the lack of knowledge on the matter is still lost on most in general.) I didn't know how fucked up my childhood truly was until about age 23. The nightmare and flashbacks started and I knew something was up. Then like a ton of bricks all the things I had remembered started to fit in where my more frequent memories were blank. Trust me I have been through the insanity of wondering why the fuck I would make some shit up like that, only to realize I'm fighting my subconscious need to acknowledge my true pain. Like you said I know it happened, I know I didn't make it up, so why the fuck do I keep going through this as if dealing with what happened isn't enough? Simple it sucks and will always suck because your not the type of person who could even entertain such behavior thought wise, let alone actually engaging in such actions. No offense intended, and I hope it was helpful. Your post was for me.

Hello there,

I came from an impoverished home, and was sexually abused by my parents as well. While I was a little girl from the ghetto, I never viewed children in your demographic as safe from such things in the home, I never thought about it honestly. (As an adult though, trust my eyes are wide open. It matters none, if your parents choose to do this unfortunately there isn't much anyone else can do about it. Laws are coming into play more and more but the lack of knowledge on the matter is still lost on most in general.) I didn't know how fucked up my childhood truly was until about age 23. The nightmare and flashbacks started and I knew something was up. Then like a ton of bricks all the things I had remembered started to fit in where my more frequent memories were blank. Trust me I have been through the insanity of wondering why the fuck I would make some shit up like that, only to realize I'm fighting my subconscious need to acknowledge my true pain. Like you said I know it happened, I know I didn't make it up, so why the fuck do I keep going through this as if dealing with what happened isn't enough? Simple it sucks and will always suck because your not the type of person who could even entertain such behavior thought wise, let alone actually engaging in such actions. No offense intended, and I hope it was helpful. Your post was for me.

I join the sentiments of both of you. I am a male who lived in poverty and was abused when I was very little by my mother. I suppressed the memory of everything until I was about 25. At that point I started having my own intimate relationships with women and the memories came back. I always knew something was wrong with my fear of intimacy but I thought it was just because I wasn't manly enough. Now the fear has become the reality of the these images suppressed for too long. Now at this point I have this profound shame because I touched my mother and did stuff to her out of fear. The fact that I did these things as a result of psychological coercion as a child at 3 or 4 years old makes it worse. I wasn't forced to do it-its almost like I chose to. Now I just feel like a freak and live in this pervasive fear and shame of intimacy.

Both of your posts were very helpful. But what you are both saying sounds exactly like me. I had repressed what my mother did to me until fairly recently then I started to have nightmares and flashbacks too. She coerced me into touching her and touching me as well. My dad, I've always kept stuck in my head because I didn't know what else to do with it.

I too feel incredibly ashamed for it all, because as you said it's almost like I chose to do it, even though I was coerced.

None of us had a choice in anything that happened while being victimized by "these people".

When a child is born they know only what is presented to them. As that child grows they continue to absorb and emulate what has been seen. When we are that young our brains truly have more of an ability to learn so much in a short time frame. So whatever they goad us into, becomes routine, and easy to maintain. We become masters of disguise on the surface and no one is the wiser. No matter how terrible they are, we are basically programmed to love and obey everything they will. Just like the kids in countries that are military trained, they are only doing what they know. It is very sad that so many people bring life into this world only to try and destroy it. Please do not feel as if anything was brought on or carried out by YOU. They knew what they were doing was wrong (on so many levels) and simply disregarded feelings of guilt. Fuck them, don't ever take blame where you have no fault.