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Message added by elisand

today i assisted my younger brother cleaning his room. Mom wasn't there. she had no input. It felt ok

Message added by elisand

today mom wanted me to put groceries away. I knew it would feel like i am being forced. So I refused. She doesn't realize it would be more detrimental for me to do her bidding.

Tool #2



Though I've created a fair day for myself, going home is always so difficult. So we wanted to talk about why.

they expect me to help. but i clean my own appt., so why is it harder there? Because i know how i want it to be so i have freedom of how to do it. Also when i'm doing it for mom i feel like i'm trying to please her. And she's the one who decides if i did a good job. Then i'll feel so dumb.

Also when i was very young the abuser forced me to serve him.

so we discovered some very important things. I feel less in control when i clean up there. It triggers anxiety and all the other feelings of servitude I felt before. So even  though now i try to give myself power, working for mom puts me back into the previous way of feeling.

Is it an  option to just not work? yes, but there will be unpleasant reactions. 

do i care?

Is it possible to find a way to help while still retaining control?

let's try!


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i think this can be a conclusion. Friday night i spoke with mom. I indicated clearly that when she tells me to do things i feel forced. That if i don't feel like doing it and do it because she wants me to it won't be helpful, cuz it just will hurt me. I said that I notice and take in what needs to be done and am helpful. it would be ok to ask me if i can do something if she can acknowledge and accept that i need the space to refuse or do it in my own speed etc. 

I feel more comfortable asserting my choices of when and how to help out.

that's an accomplishment:)!

 This is a tool: realizing what I need is paramount and taking autonomy on that issue but still do what i can to accommodate others. 



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