Because my brain is all jumbled and my heart is hurting...
I am finding it hard to stay centered right now. I try and get about 3 good hours. After that I am worthless. I cant help but focus on the message I got Thurs. I cant help but think of all that may want me gone. I cant help but think of how much I wanted this job to work only to have this happen. This was my career. My place to retire. I keep trying not to cry. I have to move on and move forward. But what I want is to hide in my bed. I dont want to talk or see anyone. My insecurities are coming back to the surface. Things I try to hide in many ways.
I feel alone. But I set it up that way. I have pushed and pushed. The wall is still there even though I painted a pretty picture on it. Now it is a pretty wall. It still blocks the world from me. I am still protecting myself as much as possible. I still hold everyone at arm's length. That is true for everyone. I dont have long friendships. Hell I cant even keep friends.
I feel like a bit of a burden. My mood swings can be vast. I can spend a day in so many different moods I get motion sick. And when the wrong one sticks, it stays for weeks. Because I dont want to be the person who is dragging everyone down, I put on the face. Whatever was bothering me no longer matterson the outside. Inside I have so much to say. I have a need to release what is bubbling up inside. Normally I would take a drive to help clear my head. But I cannot do that due to my car acting up. And I dont even want to deal with that right now. I need to but I just want it to magically work for me.
Everyone says you look tired. I am. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Last thurs and fri I couldnt sleep. Caught an hour here and there. I normally spend a few days a week working 16hr days. So I am tired. If they only knew the emotional portion is taking the greatest toll on me.
So it is nearly 3am. I am writing this because I really want to go for a long walk and cry. I am writing this to not cause physical harm. I am writing thisbecause using my voice is too difficult. I am writing this so I get it out. I am writing this because drinking wont solve anything. I am writing this because I want a semi-peaceful sleep. I am writing this because I am hurting. I am writing this becauseI want a hug but cant accept it. I am writing this because it is 3am and I cant stop thinking.