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Today has been a very lazy day physically. I have done a lot of schoolwork and no chores, just self reflection. I've decided to change my mindset about my pregnancy and my delivery. I was thinking of meditating every day on things going a certain way. My mantra for my baby boy:

Strong, healthy, happy, smart, beautiful

My mantra for me during labor and delivery:

I am the goddess, I am the Earth

I let go and relax into the waves of creation

I cannot think of better mantras. I believe in the power of intention, of visualization and affirmation. I believe I can make this time around much better than the first time. I know what it is like now and hopefully my body will remember how to do it. My body was made to be a mother biologically so there is no reason why I shouldnt be able to accomplish a normal, joyful, spiritual birth. My fears doubts and anxieties have all been misplaced. It has nothing to do with anyone or anything else, this amazing journey of motherhood. I must simply be in the moment and do what feels natural. If I am triggered I will repeat my mantras over and over and visualize the awesome creative power of the goddess, of our mother earth and maybe draw from her for strength. For the past week I have visualized and meditated and the difference is astronomical. I cant express how very much stress and anxiety i bled that i shouldnt have had in the first place. I was meant to be a mother. I believe in reincarnation, and that you choose your incarnation for the lessons you will learn throughout the course of your lifetime that can be used as evolving on the path to the creator. I believe once we have reached the last step in our spiritual evolution we can choose to become one with everything or remain behind to teach. I know I have a long way to go for that last step, but it makes me realize that I chose this incarnation. I needed this strength gained through pain and different perspective and knowledge. I have work to do here, and I may not be able to without experiences like the ones that brought me to this site. 

I guess you could say I had an epiphany in the quiet of solitude and schoolwork. It changed my whole outlook on a lot of things. I understand everything in my life now on a grand scale. Maybe some minute details still escape me but i am now able to look at my life and myself as things to be cherished, not abhorred. Im so deeply moved and thankful for this moment of acceptance and forgiveness of myself and others and peace with my path. I pray this attitude stays with me no matter what happens and that I can pass the good points of all of this to my children. 

I no longer let anyone bring me down no matter what they do or say. I respect myself completely and dont let anyone hurt me. 

I realize this post may be a little religious and I apologize for those whose religion is different than mine, my intention of course is not to offend. Just simply healing and recovering and moving forward in my own time as much as i can. 


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Thank you for responding Ian and Goddess. I know there will be days I feel like giving up, when the peace I had that day can't be found no matter how hard I try. But it's ok now. You're right Ian, life may not be the way we originally planned but worth can be found in any situation. There is always a silver lining to every cloud. Struggling with addiction since I was 16 and quitting drugs and alcohol for the past 8 months definitely complicated things. Sobriety has brought clarity, though at first it was an overwhelming ton of bricks that hit me when I started feeling all of my emotions with no buffer. And it exacerbated my other addictions until I got a handle on them.

This time I won't return to using outside unnatural sources when times get rough. This site, spirituality and creative outlets are my answers. For now.. Until I find more constructive outlets.. 

Thanks again 😊

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I hope you can read your last post here as an observer, and see clearly the INCREDIBLE strength you have. 

Not to negate the tough days, but you ARE doing it. Bravo to you sister! 



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Trigger warning

Wow I didn't realize what I was saying and feeling was a sign of strength. Thank you Goddess.. I just reread what I wrote March 1 and was humbled all over again. I need to read that blog entry often to remind myself on the rough days. I cried while i was reading, but for once it was joyful tears. I have experienced a bipolar swing in emotions, from this peace and epiphany outlined in the blog, to feeling crushed and trapped and panicked and suicidal in the past couple weeks. I let myself be present in my emotions, let them wash over me, let myself feel without immediately turning to a synthetic substance for a salve on the open wounds. I analyzed, and prayed, and meditated. I called the Goddess, and i am not ashamed to admit that i begged for protection and deliverance. I was granted it the first time and have been more frequently. I realize this is the answer to my addictions to alcohol, to s**, to idol worship through being onstage, though I believe I can transfer it to my issues with the past. Ive done so much internal work in the past few months, determined to be the best mother and student I can be until my next purpose presents itself, my career as a psychiatrist. I am so far from perfect, my flaws are numerous and rear their ugly heads at the most inopportune times. But holding the idea that I am here to learn these lessons and experience these pains fully for a reason is slowly healing me. I can tell it will be a looooong road but I am prepared to face it with my head held high and my shoulders back, stubbornness turned capability in my eyes. Sometimes these things i tell myself i dont quite believe but the mind is a powerful thing. Belief can make a huge difference. Strength comes from within, and now I understand exactly what that means. Harnessing this elusive trait in myself is one of my main goals now. I am so grateful for all the support on here, thank you everyone. Big hugs to all, if ok. 

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