This is kind of hard to do because im not sure where to start... Theres so many beginnings that i could use once i actually think about it.
My mom got a job out of country so she wanted to make a few pit stops to see family that lives across the country. This was a little under a month ago. It worked out because my great grandmothers 96th birthday party was that weekend. We went. My second day away from home we stayed at a Holiday inn. My cousin wanted to stay in our room. the two of us went outside to have a cig and my mother an child stayed in the room. We were out there maybe three minutes when a guy not much older than me asked if we had an extra one. once we said no he stayed and continued to talk to us. Just regular chit chat. For some reason, he seemed off... i wasnt sure why though. Something he asked has stuck with me since then, he asked if we were scared being out there by ourselves. wtf? When we were about to leave he pulled a gun on us. My first reaction was to give him the only thing i had on me, my phone. He told us to walk and i knew right then exactly what was going to happen. he raped me after threatening several times that he would kill me if i didnt. I had no choice. after he laughed. how could you laugh? then he goes, as if were friend "hey, do you want your phone back? and just handed it to me and that was it. As we walked inside i was still terrified, but i was smiling. i didnt die. we went in and told my mom she called the cops yada yada..got the whole nine yards done to me. now its still under investigation.
Theres a few things that confuse me about this though..
1. Besides the gun and verbal threats it wasnt very violent. why?
2. Why did he wait? why didnt he just do it as soon as he saw us? why have a friendly conversation?
3. How many before me?
I know i may never know the answers but i cant help but wonder...
Im very angry that it happened.
I'm not as distraught about the rape, but more the gun. Its the fact he could have taken my life at any moment and that he threatened it. Its the realization that the world isnt a good place like i thought and that bad things happen to undeserving people every day. Im angry that i dont get to think like a naive 19 year old girl anymore, i want that back. Its also the fact that i now know no matter how much i teach my kid stranger danger, the buddy system, and trust your gut, theres no way i can ensure the protection. I can tell all the statistics as my mother did so that i would be more aware, but that doesnt matter. How do you teach your child that no matter how good a person you are, if someone wants something from you that they can just take it? How do you teach them to be on their toes and be aware, but also to feel safe? Should we even feel safe? I'm also angry at the justice system. i didnt even wait 2 minutes and called the police. i didnt shower because i knew i wanted a rape kit done. I showed them step by step what happened and where. they notified me that it could take a year before they even look at the dna they collected from me and that it was because other cases will take priority and they just dont have the funds. Dont have the funds? Are you kidding me? i could have died and im not important enought to fight for? What happened to me isnt scary enough to investigate quicker? what is wrong with our justice system? oh. that right. im a woman. i was only raped so no rush right? not life threatening or anything. And good luck the other young girls in that crappy little town. Oh wait again! No one in that shit hole has even been made aware of the situation.
If they ever find him, i want to talk to him. i But thats why i dont know what i would say. I dont think there is anything i could say to make him feel as i did. i dont think he would give a shit.
thanks for reading my book.. lol