Im not sure what to do. Im so depressed and tense its hard to think straight. I have the urge to cut and run again and its getting worse everyday, like war drums getting steadily louder in my head. I dont want to run anymore. I know its been preemptive some of the time. I think my guy is overwhelmed and has no clue how to handle this whole change to his life. Understandable but i just feel so unappreciated and unloved. I never admitted to needing anyones love until now. Am i being masochistic? Am i panicking about nothing? The man pays all the bills and rent so i literally have no worries in that department. But is that my standard of living now? He puts a roof over my head and i should bow down and take all his shit but get nothing back in any other way? Sigh. Ive been crying too much. I hope its just pregnancy hormones and ill go back to normal once i have my baby. But who knows. I just needed to vent. I needed to get it out. My guy still doesnt know most of the details and i think its better that way. I dont think he could handle it. Hes very weak in that way. He cant handle anything thats remotely emotionally difficult, just wants to drown it in alcohol. I know from personal experience it is never the answer. The bottom of the bottle is always dry. Every time. I dont know if i should just relinquish control and just go with the flow; if thats a healthier alternative to raging against the inevitable. I feel that is my guy and i breaking up and me starting again from square one. Im so sick of doing that. I dont know how many more times i can start over.
I do have my father in my life and my cousin and aunt, and my few true blue friends, and my unborn son. I have my health. I have material necessities. I have school. I have my voice, my senses, my intelligence. I know my other son is healthy taken care of and loved though i miss him terribly. I have food in my stomach and this website when im feeling down. I have strength wisdom and forgiveness. I have moments of joy, pockets of happiness. Im working through my issues slowly and have made progress. I live with integrity now which feels amazing. Im making peace with my stepbrother from the grave. Im beginning to let go. Im on the right path i think for once. Im grieving it all one at a time. Im able to cry, to purge. I have hope for the future. Im pursuing my goals. My daddy issues are dissolving. My self esteem is rising slowly as i make deposits instead of withdrawals. Im sober. I can talk about my pain. I manage my anger. I see the joy in little things. Im too stubborn to die.
So many things to be thankful for. So many positives. I must focus on these. I must stop wallowing in sorrow because its familiar. I must get off the defensive. I must stop being masochistic. I must stay sober and clearheaded. I must seek therapy. I must let go of having to control everything. I must love myself. I must put my children before anyone. I must realize what makes me special; cultivate my strengths and turn my weaknesses into more strengths. I will never give up no matter how beaten down and ancient i feel. I will remember my divinity. I know im loved when im all alone.
I have to stop being so depressed. Its bad for the baby. Ive been so frantic i cant meditate or write or sing or anything i usually do to calm down. I wonder if i should close off from my guy. I wonder if i should force myself to trust him. I wonder if i should tell my ex husband that he loved me the best and thank him. Only he has known me as well in this life only he has loved me the way i truly needed. For that fleeting year he loved me. And i threw it away. But then his youngest son wouldnt be here so it happened the way it was supposed to. Im not angry. Im not bitter. Just sad. I let go of what i should have held onto and held onto what i should have let go. I dont have all the answers. In fact the longer i live the more i realize that everything i know is wrong and every so often i throw off what ive learned and open my mind to proof of what i couldnt see before. Ive known rapid earth shattering change for a long time. Maybe im always ready now for my world to crumble so i never let myself relax and settle in. If i do and things do go south uprooting myself will hurt so bad i dont think i can take bleeding out like that again. I say that but im used to and expect it. I feel strange when it doesnt happen after a certain point. Maybe sometimes i encourage and catalyze it just so theres no surprise. I dont really like surprises anymore. Im so jaded. I dont want to be. I see both sides of the coin but for some reason i just cant let myself relax and let my guard down. I see good people on here that wont hurt me and dont have ulterior motives so i know there are people i can trust out there. How do i make myself let them in? My son needs to know how to be a social creature. I cant teach him if im a recluse. Im not afraid of pain, i just dont want it anymore. Too many scars. But i cant hide forever right? I have to put it all on the line sometime. Then when it collapses i can finally say i gave it everything i had. Unfortuneately its not that much that everything i had. No matter what happens ill keep trucking, one foot in front of the other, stubbornly pushing past or through obstacles. No matter what caves in on me i still crawl my way out. Im not even sure why anymore. I just have an uncontrollable and unquenchable urge to keep going so i do. When i find the reason for that it may help i dont know. I feel very morbid right now, dry and cynical.
Just a stream of thoughts from a weary sad brain thats all..