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Understanding

Leia Skywalker

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Things are starting to link up in my mind, behaviors and feelings that I have make sense. Why I do things and why I don't do things.

Every time I come home I lock every door, even when a family member is right behind me.

I never open my door.

I always carry a pen in my hand.

I never look people in the eye when walking.

Cause I am scared.

I know he can't hurt me, but I can't stop thinking about it. Its why I want so desperately to leave town.

Its why I don't feel safe, not at home, work or school. Only in my car. The one place he never touched.

I don't know how to really gest rid of these feelings and fears, I don't know if you can. Maybe it will help to leave, but will it help even then? I don't know. I never know, even when I think I do .



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When I was 11 I was having panic attacks when in groups of boys and saw that one of my abusers was regularly watching me. He tried to corner me when I was alone in the changing rooms, but I ran through another door and escaped. I was increasingly afraid to be at school and of being alone in the town and I was afraid of further abuse. I asked my mother if we could leave and live in the county where my father worked. We soon left and I was not abused by the youths again. Once in my new home I stopped thinking of my abusers, but my fears when with older boys and men remained, as did my anxiety. A social worker was appointed and visited my home. I would lock him out, since I was afraid of him and he eventually gave up. He seemed nice, but so had my abusers at first, I was afraid of being alone with him. I needed therapy, but could not talk about what I had experienced. For me, leaving the town where my abusers lived removed the threat of further sexual abuse, but it did not remove triggers or any of the feelings and fears. I hope you are able to find someone to help you understand your feelings.

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