My fiancees father brought over a bedframe headboard and footboard last night and for some reason it made a huge difference in the way I slept. I didnt have any nightmares at all and woke up in a pretty good mood considering the pregnancy nausea, exhaustion, and emotional sensitivity. Reminding myself that it is just pregnancy hormones and everything is not as bad as it feels is helping. My fiancee was very comforting and sweet last night, holding me and reminding me that things will get better and I wont feel this way forever. He reminded me of my blessings which are numerous and I felt an easing of the grip of panic and paranoia. Im thankful today for everything i have and all the support and love ive found recently, for freedom from addicition, and finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
Im doing a paper for my philosophy class on if euthanasia should be allowed in cases of chronic depression. Never should it be allowed. There is always hope and suicide should never be the answer. Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem and should be illegal globally. While there is life there is choice, there is hope, there is healing. In death there is no growth or opportunity. It strengthened my conviction to beat my demons and come out the other side of the abyss to reside in the light. I pray for this feeling to stay with me. Its motivating uplifting and inspiring. I dont know exactly where its coming from but im hoping for it to continue.
I was cleaning out my old dancer bag and found almost 300 dollars. Considering how terrible my fiancee is with money i told him i found more than 100 which isnt quite a lie. But i feel i have to protect what little i have so he doesnt spend it on alcohol or unnecessary things. Im going to use it for my son and to start getting things for the new baby. Im trying to decide what to get first. A carseat is always the first thing so you can bring the baby home from the hospital as well as a diaper bag, diapers and wipes and cream. Aside from that im not sure what else to get.
My ex is supposed to bring my son for the weekend next weekend and im hoping for it. Hes put it off three times now and im getting a little antsy. I miss my boy so much its killing me. I feel like theres a giant gaping hole where my heart should be from not seeing him in so long.
Im beginning to feel better about being pregnant though. Even if were still in this tiny one bedroom when the baby is born i will make sure we move to a bigger place soon after. Ive cleared a space for a crib in the bedroom and am starting to eagerly anticipate my new arrival. I wasnt ready for another child considering all im going through right now and having so many doubts about my fiancee. But i think once he holds his first child for the first time everything will change. His priorities and way of thinking will shift toward making sure that baby has everything he or she needs and will treat me a lot better. I can only hope for this and if it doesnt happen i will be forced to seek a different avenue. I will just have to wait and see what happens. And pray.
I wish he could understand what im going through right now. He keeps telling me he wants to help and be here for me, but doesnt know if he can handle what i have to say, that it might make him homicidally angry. My past is full of dark twisted things and I realize that some of them will be difficult for him to hear. Im worried that if he hears everything he will think of me as trash and quit loving me. Ive had that happen before. It was hard enough for him to know that i was a dancer. I tried to work the couple months in the beginning and he lost his marbles. So telling him the whole story from the very beginning is a gamble. Maybe i should just keep it to this website. My father too, it may destroy him to know what was going on under his nose all those years and he could have stopped it. My stepmother was very convincing building her case against me so i didnt even try to speak out. The one time i tried all i got was hostility and venom so i never tried again. My father and i are finally on good speaking terms and are building a healthy relationship. I wonder if i should just keep it to myself and let it go. But i feel like i have loose ends to tie up before i can heal, i must get closure. But is it really that important to potentially break my fathers heart when it was so long ago and nothing can be done about it now? My stepbrother killed himself and my stepmother died of cancer so they both took all of it to the grave. I have no proof other than taking a lie detector test which i would do in a heartbeat to let my father know the truth. But should i? Or should i just let it go and forgive and try to forget? Im still a little upset at him for not protecting me, but he was deeply brainwashed by my stepmother and my stepbrother was the golden child who could do no wrong while I was the redheaded evil stepchild who was a thorn in everyones side. Tough decision. I want to heal and move on and something is nagging at me to tell him and at least let him know the truth and that i can forgive him for not protecting me if he at least acknowledges what really happened. I also have 13 years of abuse from my dancing career to talk about. But my father is a slow thinker and always has been, and doesnt handle surprises or transition very well. Everything needs to be baby steps with him or he'll lose it. Hes stronger than he used to be but i still worry. Why am i so worried about how the men in my life are going to handle the traumas that i went through? Why do i care about their feelings about it so much when it doesnt seem like they care about mine? Should i be selfish this time and their feelings be da****? Help..