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First try

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Exdancer1986

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This is my first try at a blog so hopefully I will get better at it as i go along. There is so much bottled inside me that i must start purging before i explode. Life is never easy, even when there are brief glimpses of joy. The darkness surrounding me is so thick and persistent that when tiny slivers of light penetrate, it's only for a split second and is gone again. But I fight because I have to. I spent too much of my life not fighting, and now I cant stop fighting. The only problem is that it's hard from all my nightmares flashbacks and paranoia to distinguish who to fight and who to take as ally. I trust no one, and I feel no safety anywhere. I have no sanctuary, I am always on guard from everyone everywhere I go. I guess too many people have hurt me and I've given up on the human race. They can't be counted on, can't be trusted, and I can never let my guard down or they will jump at the opportunity to exploit my weakness and Ill be left naked bloody and broken on the floor with nothing again. My heart and soul cant afford that even once more. How do I trust anyone ever again? How do i let anyone see me vulnerable ever again? How do i believe that not all humans will destroy me when thats all ive seen from the majority of humans ive met from all backgrounds and creeds? How do i have real friendships when im always waiting for the other shoe to drop and to turn around to see a knife in my back? How do i have a healthy intimate relationship when im just waiting to be attacked or abused and mentally and emotionally messed with? I cant give anything. I feel like i dont have it to give. I want to. My significant other tries very hard to be the best he can to me. Hes human though and makes mistakes, and with each mistake i pull farther away from him. I want more than anything to give him the love he deserves, to let my guard down, to trust him. He keeps maintaining that im safe with him that he'll never hurt me. I dont believe him. I want to more than anything. I cant help but worry everyday if hes cheating on me, if hes going to set me up, if hes going to leave me or kick me out onto the street with nowhere to go but back to the pole. I worry that hes working behind my back, that hes using me somehow because im the most vulnerable ive ever been. Im terrified that hes playing mind games with me to get what he wants. I dont know his ulterior motives and i cant help but worry what they are and how im going to handle another broken heart. I dont think i can take another one. Ive had far too many i never healed from. Im feeling them now all at once. I think one more heartbreak and ill shatter into too many pieces to pick up this time. How do i trust men, or any human being for that matter, knowing the evil that theyre capable of? How do i move past this constant fear and paranoia and suspicion? 

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