***** Trigger Warning***
I don't know how I feel today. Sorta numb, like a numb pain gnawing at me. If that makes any sense. I think I was r*ped a few weeks ago. I'm not sure. I begged him to stop but he didn't. I guess the fact that he had just squeezed my neck until I passed out meant nothing. I saw a light, thought I was going to die... And for some twisted reason that made me happy. I was smiling as my body came in contact with the bed. I was happy because I thought it was over. I feel alone. There's nobody I can tell. I'm scared they won't believe me. I'm scared that they'll blame me and say that I wanted it because I invited him over to talk at night. That it was my fault for trusting a guy to be alone with me at night despite knowing how guys can be. I'm pushing people away, because I have this on my chest and I can't tell them. To date, this has been the second worst holiday season ever. I almost made it to a year with out cutting, but a I failed. The next night, I invited him over to ask him what happened. I wanted him to tell me what he did to me. I needed him to say that it was rape so I'd know for certain that that was what it was.He didn't even mention it. He talked about the choking and stuff, but nothing about putting himself inside me despite me pleading with him not to and pushing him away. There are so many thoughts in my head but I don't know what else to add. I guess this is the end.