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My Journey

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It's not your fault


ukt23

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This is a letter for my future self whenever I am PTSDing hard and start blaming and getting angry at myself:

It's not your fault that he texted you again out of the blue 

It's not your fault that you went to his apartment to ask him to stop texting you 

It's not your fault that you started to get intimate with him after he manipulated you saying that he "liked you and liked spending time with you" 

It's not your fault that he was not listening to you when you verbally made it clear (with valid reasons) that you did not want to have sex

It's not your fault that his roommates, in the living room, heard the two of you and started to cheer him on and yell out "take her virginity"

It's not your fault that he felt pressured to impress his bros and continued to push you for sex

It's not your fault that you were just in your underwear with him as you made it clear to him multiple times you didn't want sex

It's not your fault that you were confused and not processing things fast enough, and that you were not able to simply get up and leave

It's not your fault that he went around your underwear and went inside you for a bit until you pushed away

It's not your fault that he repeatedly tried to slide his fingers down your underwear even though you fought it off every time

It's not your fault that your mind decided to shut down because it was trying to protect you 

It's not your fault that you cannot remember how the assault ended and you have no idea if he committed worse things, like, actually rape you

It's not your fault that his degenerate drunk friends saw you as a piece of meat and encouraged him to rape you

It's not your fault that he and his friends were trying to change your 'no' to a 'yes'

It's not your fault that the toxic & boisterous side of frat-like culture fuels rape culture

It's not your fault that you were not able to recognize for a long time that you had been nearly raped (maybe even actually raped)

It's not your fault that you went to a small college and had to see him everywhere around campus (library, dining hall, classroom buildings etc.) after that night

It's not your fault that you were subconsciously silenced when you heard victim blaming talks all around you saying things like 'these girls are lying and regretting their escapades'

It's not your fault that you did not realize, at the time, what about him caused you to be so severely traumatized 

It's not your fault that you reached out to him again because you were in so much confusion & pain that you had to look for 'closure'

It's not your fault that he continued to play his manipulative games, played the carrot or stick approach and had you on his hook

It's not your fault that you got infatuated with him, your sense of boundaries were lost and you let him repeatedly play with your emotions for a long time

It's not your fault that his memories have been haunting you for over three years now

It's not your fault that you have to battle almost everyday with minor/major episodes triggered by emotional & visual flashbacks 

It's not your fault that you have to pretend to the outside world that you are fine and that nothing is wrong with you

It's not your fault that he, along with his degenerate friends, broke your soul and made you feel like your worth was less than human

It's not your fault that you just can't get over it

None of this was your fault. You will get through this! Just meanwhile be gentle with yourself

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Thank you for your kind words. I am doing my best to stay strong :)

Edited by ukt23
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