I woke up this morning eager to see how the day would turn out. I realized that after my morning counseling session I had the rest of the day free. I decided to take advantage of it and do something. The sun was shining, the sky was blue and the temperature was decent. Thoughts tumbled around my head of what I possibly might do, but didn't get a decision made before going into my counseling session.
My session today was an easier one. I went into it feeling bad because I'd not completed my assignments from the last one. The assignments were difficult ones, dealing with my past abuse and I'd had a rough week physically and just couldn't face trying to do them. My counselor assured me that it was ok and to just do it when I can. We then focused more on my struggles to feel like an "adult" with still living at home with my parents. I'm very grateful for a place to live until I can get things figured out and get a decent job. My goal is to get to the point to where I can support myself financially and live on my own. But in the meantime I have to figure out how to cope with living with my parents. So often I still feel like a kid/teenager despite being in my 40's. My parents are really good at trying to treat me like an adult, it's often just little things that are more of an issue on my part and my automatic inner responses to their opinions or suggestions.
I left the session with things to think about, but for once didn't feel emotionally drained. I headed to my van trying to think what to do next. I wound up just watching a few episodes of a show on my kindle and then grabbed something to eat. Before I knew it, the afternoon was halfway over. I had hoped to maybe go for a hike, but wanted to go somewhere I'd not been before. I googled hiking trails near me and found a place that sounded interesting so I headed there. It wasn't hard to find and was close to where I was. I pulled into the parking area, only to see a sign that hunting was in progress. I decided that I didn't want to take a risk of getting shot at, so turned around and left.
I ended up in a parking lot of a park in a small town. I just stayed in my van and finished reading a book, "It Wasn't Your Fault" by Beverly Engel. There were some good things in there about self-care and self-compassion.
The sun was starting to go down and I headed home to grab a few things before going to my favorite coffee shop. I struggled with feeling like I'd wasted a really good day for doing something outside. I know the weather isn't going to be as warm with winter approaching and today was so nice. I felt guilty and then I was feeling frustrated that I felt guilty! There was nothing wrong with what I did, so why did I feel like I made poor choices and let the day slip through my fingers? I was feeling like crying. Not the way I wanted my day away to end. When will I get to the point where I'll stop criticizing myself so much and second guessing my decisions?
Next time I think I'd better have a plan figured out ahead of time. Then maybe I won't feel like the day just slipped away from me.