I think it is time to give up this job. I never should have taken it in the first place. I thought I was stepping out on faith and out of my comfort zone but I wasnt ready and I never should have done it. I gave it 2 years and I have been messing up more and more. At this point I dont even care anymore.
I am stressed more and more each day and I am starting to hate coming in to work every day. I am not even putting in the effort anymore. I have cried at work more in the past 2 years than I ever had. My manager thinks I am doing fine but she is just being nice because no one wants this account.
The longer I stay the more the little confidence I have dwindles. Those under me dont care so that must say something about my leadership abilities. Then there is the thing it does to my mental state. It is fragile enough without any extra stuff. Not accomplishing something just makes it worse. I start down a dangerous path of blaming myself and finding links to my flaws in what happened so many years ago. I start to imagine a me of this never happened or if I gathered courage to speak up then. All of that leads to a complete shut down internally.
I keep trying to tell myself that I am doing well and these are hiccups every job has at some point. But I am not believing a word of it. I know what a bad example of a supervisor is and I see many current examples of a good supervisor. I know I am not in the good category. I know that I will have to take a drastic pay cut or move into another type of industry. The company and these people deserve better than I can provide to them.
Another goal not accomplished.